Mind sketch
Sun Hee Yoon
I look up the sky and it's gray. All the winter tree branches are trembling once again from severe Chicagoan wind. I felt the warmth of wind yesterday but I guess it's too early to be exiceted of spring's visit. I felt trees were happy to have gentle and warm breeze, finally the long and dreadful winter is coming to end. All day they were slow-dancing in a music of sunbeam until it curtains down with burning sunset. However, this morning I feel their disappointment. I can see their downcast shoulders over my livingroom window.
"Be patient.." I hear the mother tree tells the baby ones, with her gentle and soothing voice.
"The winter is on his way for long sleep. Soon, we will grow our new buds of leaves, and before you notice it will be green beds of young tree leaves everywhere."
"But, Mom!! All the snow has gone, and Mrs. Robbin went out for a walk with her kids yesterday! I can't wait for spring."
"I know, My children. I understand how you feel. But we shouldn't be fooled by wicked winter wind. They are very tricky and they know what we want. It's no use to fight against the evil nature. All we need to do is be patient and wait until the time is right."
"When?? When will it be, Mom??"
The mother tree smiles at the impatient treelets, "You will know, my children. You will know."
I feel what they feel. I hear what they talk. I see what others don't see. I write what my heart tells me to write.
This is Saturday morning and I fly all over the places with my imagination. There is no limit that I can't visit - I can visit to Korea where my mom is sleeping by now. I will lay down myself next to her and feel her heartbeat. I'd love to touch her no-makeup face and stroke down gently. I'd love to hold her rough hands and feet, hoping it soothes her cracked skin. I'd love to write a note saying, 엄마 사랑해요.
I believe this hard-to-control emotion is spurring my tear glands. I can't restrain myself but by writing, I can feel free.
Writing has been my psychological, emotional therapy and by doing this, I can heal myself from pain. The pains in my heart and continious poisons in a life are less likely to stop. Maybe, we humans are born to be suffering from birth to death. My mortal fate was doomed since the beginning. But I'm trying to fight the gravity. Some says it's useless effort, but I believe I'm born to fight against the forces which bring me down.
I'm a warrior rather than a soldier, who fights with her own dignity without having orders from upper ground. I seek wise and healthy outlet to survive for a long term. I train myself to sacrifice short term desire but wait for a chance to jump high. No..I like making my own path instead of following others. It's not because I'm better than others, I am not that arrogant person. I feel there are so many things to learn from people, especially the young and old. I'm realizing new things every day and it's my pure joy. That's really fun part of getting old - I can understand better about things.
I'm not afraid of getting old, in fact I can't wait to see myself at the age of 50, 60 and 70 as long as I breathe and write. I try not to dwell in the past, but live in the present, and most importantly - always be excited about future.
I still don't know who I am. It's gonna be a long journey to find out who I am, maybe I will never figure it out until I leave this world. But I know this inner searching has proved so many great things in me already and I can say I enjoy the air with every single breath I take and I'm delighted to be part of this world.
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