If we could keep the passion of the beginning..

   Whenever I feel like losing any hope, if there was any, I type the Paul Potts & Susan Boyle's first audition at Britain's Got Talent. Now, they are officially super stars all around the world, but there was a time they were nobody. They've been living in simple and ordinary life, but they didn't give up what they really like to do. I guess that's what we call "passion". Also, if they didn't take the chance to sing in front of whole nation, where would they be now?
   Both singers are naturally talented but also determined. To me, this is always great inspiration. I love their genuine gift but also their long duration of patience. Everything happens in a right time at a right place.

   These two video clips boost my motivation to write a sentence. I really enjoy watching the very beginning of their career. It's so real and humble. I like this natural stage, without any fabrications.
   My motivation of writing comes from Susan Boyle's voice. Her first album " I dreamed a dream" is my first choice of IPod. And this song is my favorite; who I was born to be.




    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA - Paul Potts's first audition
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jca_p_3FcWA&feature=related - Susan Boyle's first audition

 

Misty morning

   Drizzle, drizzle, the quiet rain falls softly on the ground.
   Is it going to be the last spring rain? I wonder.
 
   There's something magical whenever the raindrops tickle the world.
   Cars tend to go slower, people walk cautiously.
   Even the wipers on the car windshield seeming to say, "hi" with the sound of swish, swish.
 
   Is it only me thinking this way? I wonder.
   What am I trying to find this world?
   Perhaps the gift of Mother nature, that's what I'm looking for.

   We are merely a human with a wrong self-concept in ourselves.
   We think we control the world, we believe we are the top of the food chain.
   Humans tend to exploit natural goodness around us, just like some people take advantage of other's kindness. And they laugh at their victims being foolish, or they really believe being a superior than others just because their shallow trick scored.
 
   I wonder when the majority would understand this world is not built on the purpose of "taking".
   Everything comes and goes, and we are only the little part of the universe.
 

Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig van Beethoven

I used to listen lots of classic music, from Bach to Mozart.

I don't know why. Somehow I believed being a "class-y" girl if I listen to "classic" music.

Silly me..

Few days ago, I was tuning Radio station and the classical music station rang my ear.

Since then, when I'm alone, I listen to them.

Sometimes, listening a song without lyrics are fun!

Whatever

   Crazy hair, crazy outfit
   "No bra?" my husband says,
   " I don't care" I answer.

   Husband goes to work,
   Daughter goes to school,
   A house wife comes home,
   And facing an annoying house work.

   Doing dishes, pulling out garbage bags,
   Struggling to pull out tangled hairball, clogged in a tub draining hole.
 
   Need a fresh air, need to take a breath.
   Nobody pushes me,
   I know, I know.
 
   Looking at the time, it's already 10: 25.
   No time to vacuum, no time to laundry,
   House work never excites me.

    Annoying, annoying, then..
    What's the point of complaining, anyway?
    It's waste of my time.
 

   

 

Time and Space

   I wanted to belong somewhere. I wanted to feel content. Time went by but I couldn't escape the feeling of being a circulating dust all these years. I was looking for a place where I could sit and do nothing, but just be happy. 

   I've seen and read all different types of people, those with money, fame, extraordinary life achievements. I was hoping any of them could show me the way to follow. Eventually, I realized nobody in this world can be perfect. I had to admit that is how we are built. I had to face the reality. 

   When I was young, I believed as I would get older, everything would be clear and I would finally understand things better. But it seems they kept getting more complex and complicated. My desire of having a clear explanation about life seems never ending. 

   Why do we suffer? Why do parents fight all the time? Why my dad had to come home drunk every night and why my mom had to cry the saddest way in the dark? Why do people pretend their life is perfectly normal but in fact, it isn't? Why do they compare with others habitually? Why can't we be satisfied with what we have?

   Everybody in this world is looking for something. So am I. 

   Everybody is running for the goal they have set up, 

   But I wonder, when do they reach the finish line, are they happy? 

   My ultimate question is when will I finally realize what I'm born to be.

   Time goes tick-tock, everybody rushing in and out. They must have had a reason to be carrying their lives. I'm sitting down in a corner of a cafe, looking at them, and wondering what made them to be here, what made them to live on? 

   People say, our life is the result of constant choices that we have made. We're endlessly trying to fill the void in between. Sometimes this individual void can be filled with alcohol, gambling, drug, work, hurtful words or violence. Sometimes their bad choices slowly poison themselves but also their loved ones. Sometimes they become a blinded monster but sadly they can't see themselves. 

   Have I seen these monsters in my own life? Yes, plenty. Is it only in the past? No. I'm seeing them everyday life, I listen their stories everywhere. How do I feel about them? I feel powerless, I feel useless. My only comfort is writing about them, that's all I can do. I write with my heart. I don't know how to use fancy words, and I don't want my writing to be complicated; because I believe in simplicity and it doesn't need to be elaborate. 

   I am still dreaming. I see a happy family. Mom and dad and children get together around a dinner table. I smell of mom's home made food. It can be a Kimchi stew with a bowl of rice or a Spaghetti with meat sauce, sprinkled with Parmesan cheese. It doesn't have to be complicated to fill our hungry stomach. All we need is being together and sharing humble food. 

[ This piece is for the contest of "word by word retreat" by Story Studio Chicago. I just have made close to 500 words and theme of  "Time and Space". Wish me good luck! ;) ]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

Our eyes are a window of our soul

   I'm thinking of the word; Spirit, Soul, Mentality, Inner Strength...
 
   I've been always interested in meeting people. I've heard a quote long time ago; a human is a small universe. Whenever I meet people, I'm thinking what's going on in this small universe. I was curious and still I am.


   In my culture, we -as a young one- weren't supposed to look at grown-up's eyes straight. We were told looking at the chin or neck of the adult if we wanted to be polite, not on the eyes. Many years of input by parents, school and society, we became naturally not to look at other's eyes straight.


   However, my eyes were sneaky. I needed to look at something else instead of what being told. As long as I  gave the impression of listening to the authority, I had a freedom to explore. It's kind of similar idea that once our homework is done, we have time to play.
   I used to look at small things of the people and I tried to find its meanings to them. Whenever I caught the habitual items, then I could relax and felt comfortable to deal with whoever the scary authorities are.


   The feeling of anxiety settled in me early in my life. I hated it more than anything. And most of time, these feelings came from people who told me what to do. Not only parents but also a school, a church, the big institution of society seemed to tell, " if you don't obey, then you will get punished. And you will suffer from it."


   Why didn't they think we are a person, not a cattle? Why didn't they consider we have feelings?
   Why didn't they think we are different individuals, not a pack of sticks?
   Why did they have to scare us, not to love us?
   Why did they have to rush to raise us, not letting us to have a moment to grow up by ourselves?
 
   I wanted to feel cared, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to be someone special to someone, not to many, but just to one. Now, I believe my parents must have loved me more than anyone in the world, however I didn't feel it while growing up. All my life I felt being pushed aside, which made me upset for a long time, and these feeling can't be disappeared easily.


   Few years ago, I became a mom, my little girl has shown me so many different levels of life, and I've learned a lesson which is being patient is the hardest thing to do. Does it mean that everyone in my child life didn't have much patience? Is this why they had pushed me such way?
   I don't know, but I need to figure it out. It's hard to revisit of the past, especially when it was such a mess.
But I also believe there must have been a wonderful thing, which made me go through to lead this life.


   At this precise moment, my eyes are still searching for something. My wondrous soul is less likely to settle down. But I do have a hope. I believe this hungry soul will be calm and find a peace.

Language in my life - Intro Poem

   [ This piece is just for a test. I'm thinking of bigger theme of my "Life and Language Learning Experience". 
      If anybody who wants to give me a feedback, please DO NOT HESITATE! Thanks in advance!]

                                    Intro Poem 

   Life hits hard on me.

   That's what I used to say and I still speak it out loud.

   It is true. Nothing comes easier in my life, and I started to wonder, why is it? 

   I felt being put in an extreme test through my journey, and I tried not to fail.

   The more I tried to be good, the worse result I got. 

   It was unfair. I did my best but it was never enough. 

   I didn't grow up in an environment where everybody is special. 

   I was put so much pressure since I was 7, maybe even earlier.

   I needed to prove, I needed to stand out, I needed to be No.1

   Studying, mid-term exam, studying, final exam, when would I have a break?

   Extra tutoring on Math, and Science, every morning and night.

   There were dozens of tutors in my house throughout school years.

   I hated numbers, I hated measuring, and I still hate them.

   When I didn't get 100/100, my palm and thigh were struck by a thin, bamboo stick.

   I had to make a false promise, I would score 100/100 next time.

   Whenever the test date came closer, the scary ghost follwed me.

   I ran and ran, and wishing there would be the exit of all.

   And one day, it happened. 

   My eyes got twinkled, my ears got pricked, and my brain started to roll itself.

   I got to know the foreign language called English.

   It was such a fresh air, as if the window of my life was opened.

   I wanted to speak this language more than anything. 

   However, nothing was easy. 

   Korean doesn't have [f],[v],[r],[l], and [z] sound.

   I blamed Korean for being different from English. 

   Grammar was even worse, why don't they have the same structure? 

   Why Subjective + Verb+ Objective?

   Is there anything similar in these two languages?

   Unfortunately, none. 

   It's been a long road, a rather difficult one.

   However, there were good moments, too.

   Now, I'm trying to peel off the layers of my language learning experience.

   I feel like this will be a long story. 

Addiction on words

   "Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life.
     Don’t let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity."    
                                                                                                                   --R.I. Fitzhenry




   Whenever I face the difficult time of my life, I try to remember what the greatest people have said or have done. These quote searching has been with me early year of my life. I needed them desperately. I heard lots of people's saying around me, but their words and action didn't match through my child eyes. I had to ask myself what was the real in them. Then later I questioned what was the real value of the words.


   Words can ruin a people's life, on the other hand words can save a person's life. Words are so commonly used between people, we are not much aware of how much the real value they have. I don't know if anybody asked these questions frequently, if so why are we still using hurtful words everywhere?


   In my case, I have been drilled by Korean proverbs since I was a kid.  They taught us word could pay the life debt if you would use the right words in a right place. Or, words coming out from your mouth can be heard anyplace, to anyone. I have to render them in Korean, because I can't translate before they are clear to me. 
   "가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다.", " 말 한마디로 천냥빚 갚는다.", "낮 말은 새가 듣고, 밤 말은 쥐가 듣는다." 


   I'm teaching my soon to be 4-year-old daughter to use the nice words to others. But sometimes I feel like I need to use nice words before her. I thought I was a good model for her, but I haven't arrived a natural stage yet. Everything seemed to be experienced, drilled and practiced even using nice words. What's simple in this life? Nothing. 
   Whenever I see babies, eating, sleeping, pooping and crying is all what they do, and their life looks so simple. They have simple life in an adult point of view, but all the babies don't have other ways to express their basic needs. They are growing, they are surviving, they are adapting to this harsh world. Yet, they have innocence in them naturally. They don't know how to conceal their feelings yet. I think this is jewel. The innocence in human being - before we set up our persona, even before we know our name- was living with us from the beginning.  


   I'm just trying to find the answers that I couldn't find yet. This endless searching would not likely to settle down. The bottom line of all of these- I don't know what I am doing for, and these attempts drive me nuts already - but I know I like to keep doing. 
  
   

I'm in a mess

   Do you know how many times do I ask this same question?;
   What am I doing here?

   Why do I still have the hope?
   I write about it, I believe in it, I still hang it on, but why is it still far?

   I miss my mom, she would hold me and saying, "poor my child, you need a rest."
   But I know I can't rest, I need a job to do.
   I don't even have a time to be sick and lie down on the bed.

   I don't know why I'm so stubborn, I just don't know how to let it go.
   I hate myself, I'm so miserable.
   I'm ugly and I'm a super bitch.
 
   Don't try to cheer me up, I need to be in a dark for a moment.
   I'm not ready to see a light, yet.
   I'm so messed up.
 

 

 

A World Without Moms: Happy Mother's Day

I really wanted to keep this on my blog, because it is so true and I want to keep in mind all the time.

Thinking of my parents

   I know my parents wouldn't understand what I'm about to write. And, I don't know why I'm writing this in English anyway, but I really wanted to write about how I think of them. My second thought, because they don't understand, I can write it without censorship. I don't know if it's appropriate or not.

   Perhaps, I'm shy to express my heart in Korean. I grew up in an environment where we're supposed to seal our feelings in front of people. But, I've been adapting to express myself freely since I start traveling overseas. And I really enjoyed talking about how I think, how I feel. The individual's opinion actually could be conveyed without a harsh judgment or a criticism. The life where I was based on was quite an opposite; we were told not to show our feelings to others either we're happy, sad, angry, or lonely. We had to censor ourselves before the words coming out. In that matter, I have to give a good credit for this cultural custom, because the words from our mouth are supposed to be spoken like a rock, not a feather.

   In Korea, we celebrate a big Parents' day on May, 8th, every year. Coincidently, here in USA we've got Mother's day on same date this year. To me, these two events can't be separated. Also, I can't let them go without scribbling down my thoughts.

   Our Korean society is established on Confucian philosophy, which sets priority in worshiping to family elders. 효, 孝, [pronounced Hyo] is what we called. Hyo is based on the idea of filial piety, which is the concept of remaining loyal to parents as their child. 

   My father used to hang a big sign of this Chinese character ,孝, in a simple designed wooden frame in our living room, and it was still hung in the middle of the room when I visited Korea 2 years ago. I've always wondered why. What does it mean to him? Among so many words, why this simple and single character?

   There were so many mysterious in his life and I wanted to know so badly. However, he wasn't the kind of man who speaks about himself openly. Of all my memory, he's been a listener, thinker and strong believer. I don't have many memories of him, because he was always busy on his life.
   Many people say, it's about his generation. All dads had to work to support their family, they had to go out and meet people although they might not enjoy doing it. Some say these baby-boomer's didn't learn how to spend times with their kids, they were just driven by the society, they believed men's job was making money away from family, all they did was work, work, and work.
   I'm still figuring out what was the main reason that made my dad away from our family when I was little. I don't think it will be simple. And somehow, I know what had haunted him so badly that he had to run all his life as if he was chased by a ghost. I've been avoiding this part of my life for a long time. Because I had a good reason ; his life isn't mine. But I can't deny anymore. He is part of me, in fact, he's very crucial part of my life either I like it or not, and I can't write my whole story without him in it. After all, he is my father.

   Deep sigh came out from my chest, thinking about my mom. I am truly blessed to have a mom like my mom. And, I'm very glad she's been an opposite character from my dad. The older I get, I see more of my mom's character in me. She has been always an eye-catcher. She illuminated around the people. Her champion level of makeup and well matched seasonal clothing fashion, from A to Z, she was vibrant.
   But there's also a down side of her story. When I was young, I didn't like her time division. She used to spend good 2 hours of putting her makeup. Whenever we were planning to go out, I had to tell her, "Mom, could you please get ready fast this time?" However, this sentence didn't go through her ears, and I've learned a lesson throughout my childhood, which is " the old habit never dies "

   Now, I became a mom of "soon-to-be-4-year-old", feisty girl. My journey of marriage and motherhood is still in present continuous pattern, in easy way saying, "-ing" form. I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong, but one thing I know is I am doing my best. It would be really a weird scenario if anybody comes to me and say, " you shouldn't raise your child like that, or a good wife doesn't say or do like that." And they wouldn't get any good response from me, either.

   My mom used to tell me, " you don't have to get married as long as you've got a capacity to sustain your life." And, I believed I didn't need a man to make my life easier. I was an educated, young, self-reliant woman who wanted know more, see more, understand better of life. I had a clear vision of my life and my future wasn't necessarily a married woman. Yet, after many years I became a wife of a passionate artist, a mom of a bold child. Life is full of surprises and mysteries, indeed.
   Seriously, who would've thought I could write a story in English? It took me good 10 years to speak a sentence in a form of present perfect, such as "I have been to New Zealand, or I have decided to do such a thing, etc." If you ever studied English grammar, you would probably heard a lot about Present Perfect tense; Have + P.P. My Language learning experience might be very interesting story, and I know it because it's just a miracle me writing a story continuously in English. And no one pushed me doing this, which is my favorite fact. I like to continue because it makes me happy. :)
 
 

Saturday sketch

   Again, I found myself sitting in a cafe, drinking Cafe Mocha, listening music, trying to focus. Somehow it's hard to grab the ideas of what I need to tell. How should I write if I don't get the idea clearly or correctly? I think I'm greatly distracted and interrupted by outer source.

   I was extremely annoyed by grumpy, selfish people on my way cafe. Everybody has reason to be angry, and express their frustration but cutting the lines, yelling out loud and flipping their fingers to each other. Oh, drama, drama! It's millions of times easier to be angry at others than letting it go. These gas-filled people reflects a lot in my life. I've grown up with these people and I'm still seeing them everyday, everywhere. Unfortunately, I'm also one of them. I feel ashamed whenever people reveal themselves this way.
 
    In addition to, I got greatly shocked by the hand written logo, "Donald trump for president!" For a long time,I tried to stay away from main streaming, so-called "NEWS", and I couldn't help but shaking my head seeing this phrase.
    Really? really? Do people really believe the businessman can rule the government? Do they believe it's run by same principle? Have we enough witnessed the side effects on a corrupt relationship between political and business cycles? I mean, really? Do they really want to blind themselves although the result has been revealed long time ago? Wow, I don't have any words in this ridiculous drama.

   Lastly, I happened to pass by the newspaper. It wasn't just a local one, it was New York Times. And the headline was, "Face that Screamed War's pain looks back, 6 Hard Years Later". And this title wasn't enough to shock the readers, they purposely insert the picture of a woman covering her face, seemed to hold her shock and cry. This woman's personal breaking moments became an entertainment for the viewers. People would probably say, "Oh, that's so unfortunate. What a tragedy. We feel so sorry for her. etc." And, I can't help imagining the people who just gave a sympathy minute ago, turning around and grabbing coffee or whatever they did, going back to their anonymous life.

   What is going on the world of Journalism? I felt the business world of Journalism became very hungry for people's attention. I guess they are desperate. They don't want to lose their fan by other entertainment source. So, is this how to approach the people? One individual life was printed everywhere on the paper, and it would be thrown out tomorrow most likely. I feel so bitter of all these. Where is the respect on individual? Don't they miss something important? Why do they keep doing this?

   Anyway, the bottom line of all these, I realized there's nothing I can do, but writing about it. My opinion might not even considered, but this is how I see the world. And I refuse to be sitting down in a world of bitterness, I start to create something makes me happy, and hopefully to make others happy, too.

 

What do you got?

   

   This song is jewel. I love the lyrics!


   Stories serve the purpose of consolidating whatever gains people or their leaders have made or imagine they have made in their existing journey through the world.  - Chinua Achebe

What a wonderful day!

 
   Leaning back on the Futon, I thought about my day.
   What a wonderful day!

   Waking up by my daughter's gentle stroke on my face,
   Tasting juicy, sweet strawberries for our breakfast,
   Putting on Sou Lynn's flurry yellow tutu that she loves to twirl with it,
 
   Taking moments for myself in a Hazelnut coffee aroma,
   Imagining SL dancing around in her class, possibly telling stories of her new tutu to her friends.
   Feeling every water drops in a shower, refreshed for the day.

   Opening the door, unexpected USPS parcel caught my eyes,
   Written my name, curiosity and excitement grew and grew,
   A book, Kira- Kira by Cynthia Kadohata
   Came with a note,
   Dear Sun Hee. ... the narration style reminded me your writing style. I hope you like it too. 
   With love, Natasha and Dasha. 

   Feeling loved, with indescribable gratitude.
   Feeling lucky, my friends care about my passion and encourage me with surprise.
   Feeling motivated, I want to write a good story.
   Thank you, thank you, my dear friend. 

   Waken up by time, oh! it's already the time to pick her up.
   Rushing out, getting in a car and faced long lined up cars on Belmont.
   Listening songs on the radio helped me finding peace on the traffic.
 
   Driving safely, parking smoothly, and entered playground.
   Seeing my SL running toward me with full of Dandelions with tree branches on her both hands.
   "Mom, this is for you! Happy Mother's day!"
   Hearing her loud voice melted in an innocent joy and a pride.
   Feeling like crying, because I saw her eyes, seeming to say, I'm happy to make you happy.
 
   Coming home, our merry conversations kept going.
   Having Tortellini for lunch, our belly seemed satisfied.
   Getting ready for Bitty Basketball and Gymnastic class.
   Feeling fatigue but it's worth it, because she likes it.

   Seeing her hesitation before the class, noticed her class mates already warmed up.
   Encouraging her, that's ok, you can take your time.
   Moving forward she went, she's ready to play.

   Feeling the spring breeze, and touching the sun fuzzes,
   Urging myself to catch the moment,
   Pulling out picnic blanket, setting my spot in front of the building,
   Drinking juice while reading Kira-Kira.
   Thinking to myself, what a wonderful day.

   Greeting my friend, Farhana and her girls.
   Rejoicing our girls reunion, we missed you, Nadia and Ilyana. 
   Smiling at three little girls wearing gymnastic outfit, dancing like butterflies.
 
   Catching up our stories between adults,
   Feeling good, I have a wonderful friend listening my heart and soul.
   Sitting, standing, running after kids, yelling, and laughing,
   Sun Hee, I'm so glad to hear your laugh. That makes my heart feel good, my friend.
 
   Feeling gratitude, my friend cried for me while I couldn't cry.
   Feeling loved, without pressure, without expectation,
   Hearing the echo in me, this life is worth living.
 
 
 
 

 

 
 

My words of compassion

   Dear my friend,

   I heard your story today, and I saw your falling tears, too.
   When I hear a painful story, I close my eyes for a second.
   I try to feel what you must have felt and that is my ultimate respect from me to you.
 
   Life is not easy, as we both know already.
   One challenge after another, they seemed never ending,
   Whenever these were unbearable, I cried out loud, "When is it going to end?"
   No one answered me back until recently.

   I remember what my mom told me long time ago,
   "Sun Hee, do you know what you had told me when you were only 10?
   You said, God never gives you a burden that you can't carry. 
   You were only a little kid, and I don't know where you got this word, but you saved my life."

   I don't remember me telling these words to my mom,
   But it has been an indescribable support throughout my journey.
   I've seen my mom's sacrifice over the years, but she didn't give up.
   And, now I'm on my own battle and I know what I need to do.

   We are moms.
   We love our children more than ourselves.
   Moms are stronger than any other human being.
   Our children's smile and laugh makes our life worthwhile.

   My friend,
   Let's believe in this.
   We can survive no matter what situations upon us,
   We won't give up.
 
 
 

Literary Quote

   If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surely at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.   - Maya Angelou ( American Poet ) 

A tightrope walker

   Need to go to bed.
   Full of plans await for me on next day.
   Can't deny liking the feeling of being busy,
   Because I feel accomplished my mission of life at the end of the day.

   Need to write.
   No one pushes me to write, in fact.
   But I do write anyway,
   Because it helps me to see the past, the present and my future.

   Need to balance.
   Sometimes I feel like being a tightrope walker.
   If I don't focus, if I don't find a balance, I'll fall straight on the ground.
   I can't go back, only forward I head.

   Need a strength.
   No one can teach me, no one can induce me,
   It's a lonely journey, but I'm not afraid of falling,
   Because I believe him in me.

Reflections on Life Quote

   The happiness or unhappiness of a man does not depend upon the amount of property or gold he owns. Happiness or misery is in one’s soul. A wise man feels at home in every country. The whole universe is the home of a noble soul."       --Democritus 




   In the history of literature there are many great enduring works which were not published in the lifetimes of the authors. If the authors had not achieved self-affirmation while writing, how could they have continued to write?     - Gao Xingjian (French / Chinese writer ) 
   
  

Mom's diary - 5. 3. 2011 / "I was looking for you, mom."

   This is a story from this Monday, May 1st, 2011. On our way to Chicago from Springfield , we traveled via Amtrak. Inconveniently, the train didn't depart from Springfield station, we had to ride a bus for an hour to Bloomington, Normal, where we were supposed to get on the train. As we both know, I'm not a morning person. From the moment I heard the alarm ringing at 5:45 a.m, I didn't know exactly what was happening to me. Of course, I managed to wake up, brush my teeth and get us dressed.

   Our fantastic weekend at Springfield with Stacey, Addy, Joey and dude was about to enter the world of history. I will write another set of essay concerning my journey to Springfield; it was rather a surreal and spiritual one, so I don't think it matches with this story, which I'm about to write.

   When we got on the train after three hours passed being woken up, I was still dozy and drowsy. I was absolutely out of alert mode, I guess.
   You asked, "Mom, can I have some snack?"
   "Sure, honey." I yawned while pulling out the animal cracker in a zip lock. Also, I didn't forget to pull out a  Capri sun juice in case you were thirsty.
   "Sou Lynn, mommy needs to go potty. Do you wanna follow me or stay here and wait for me?"
   You were already in the middle of munching mode, apparently didn't seem to bother to join the train restroom.
   "Mom, I will wait here."
   I must not have thought deeply, I answered and somehow believed, "ok, mommy will be back in a minute."

   I was absolutely sure you wouldn't be snatched by some kind of kidnapper. I mean we were in the moving train, and the next stop wouldn't be within five minutes. I was sure nothing serious would happen to you while I was gone to potty.

   Few minutes had passed, when I opened the restroom door, a woman sitting by spoke loudly.
   "There was a girl with an animal cracker passed the other side of train!"

   "WHAT?" I ran to our seat, and you weren't there. My heart dropped thousand miles down below.
   This can't be real, this can't happen to me, this can't , this CAN'T!!!! 

   I ran as fast as I could, people peeked their faces and told me,
   "The girl with the animal cracker in her hand went that way, and she followed a woman."

   I couldn't believe what I just heard. I just couldn't believe this was really happening to me. It wasn't a drama or movie. I could picture of you and a woman holding a hand and walk away and disappeared. I was still running, and running. I bumped people, and I didn't care.
   I need to find my girl, I will find you, mommy's coming now, wait for me. 

    I already passed two couches and entered third one, and still I couldn't find you. I couldn't see anything, my eyes were desperately looking for a girl in your height. My heart was thumping, flinching, seemed to pop out.
   Where is my girl? Where is she? Where is my Sou Lynn? Where are you? 

   My eyes started to fill the tears. I couldn't believe what's happening now.
   This is my fault, this is my fault, this is my fault. I will not forgive myself if anything happens to her. I will not live my life. I can't lose her. 

   My legs still running fast, my eyes still looking for my baby girl, and my desperate soul entered the last couch. There, my girl was standing in the middle of isle, wandering, still holding the animal cracker zip lock in her hand. This was a snack couch, there were only few people sitting in the bench table, drinking beers. I didn't look around, at that moment.
   I ran to you, and held tightly in my arm. "Sou Lynn! What are you doing here?"
 
   I grabbed your little hand and turned around. I really didn't need people's attention. I didn't care about them but I also didn't want to be the center of the drama.  It was strange, walking back to our seat. Before I found you, it seemed being forever to reach the end of the train, now it was only a short distance.
   I was still mad. I didn't know exactly what made me mad but at that point, all I knew was coming back to seat and calming down.

   "Sou Lynn, did anybody come and talk to you helping to find a mommy?" This was the first sentence coming out from my mouth when we got back on our seat.  

[To be continued]

   It's getting late to continue to write and I need to wake up early for the daily routine. But this story is important to continue writing because it was a "one hell of lesson" in my life. 
  
  

Brewing ideas in my brain pot

   水深可知 人心難知 [수심가지 인심난지 ] 

   知彼知己,  百戰不殆 [지피지기 백전불태] - If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. - Sun Tzu 

   Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponents's fate. - Sun Tzu 

   By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. - Confucius 

   Confucius' principles had a basis in common Chinese tradition and belief. He championed strong familial loyalty, ancestor worship, respect of elders by their children, (and, according to later interpreters, of husbands by their wives), and the family as a basis for an ideal government. He expressed the well-known principle, "Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself", one of the earlier versions of the Golden Rule. 

Psalm 59

 1 Deliver me from my enemies, O God; 

   be my fortress against those who are attacking me. 

2 Deliver me from evildoers 

   and save me from those who are after my blood.

3 See how they lie in wait for me! 

   Fierce men conspire against me 

   for no offense or sin of mine, LORD. 

4 I have done no wrong, yet they are ready to attack me.

   Arise to help me; look on my plight! 

5 You, LORD God Almighty, 

   you who are the God of Israel, 

rouse yourself to punish all the nations; 

   show no mercy to wicked traitors.[c]

 6 They return at evening, 

   snarling like dogs, 

   and prowl about the city. 

7 See what they spew from their mouths— 

   the words from their lips are sharp as swords, 

   and they think, “Who can hear us?” 

8 But you laugh at them, LORD; 

   you scoff at all those nations.

 9 You are my strength, I watch for you; 

   you, God, are my fortress, 

 10 my God on whom I can rely.

 God will go before me 

   and will let me gloat over those who slander me. 

11 But do not kill them, Lord our shield,[d] 

   or my people will forget. 

In your might uproot them 

   and bring them down. 

12 For the sins of their mouths, 

   for the words of their lips, 

   let them be caught in their pride. 

For the curses and lies they utter, 

 13 consume them in your wrath, 

   consume them till they are no more. 

Then it will be known to the ends of the earth 

   that God rules over Jacob.

 14 They return at evening, 

   snarling like dogs, 

   and prowl about the city. 

15 They wander about for food 

   and howl if not satisfied. 

16 But I will sing of your strength, 

   in the morning I will sing of your love; 

for you are my fortress, 

   my refuge in times of trouble.

 17 You are my strength, I sing praise to you; 

   you, God, are my fortress, 

   my God on whom I can rely.