Mom's diary - 4.18.2012

   This is my first diary of the year 2012. And it's mid-April. What happened until now? It's hard to summarize it, too many to count, or too petty to write. Don't get me wrong though. I've been writing in different way, but not to the point to write a diary as I used to do, to meditate our issues, to search for the healthy outlet. Writing a diary here was always the good way to see the bigger pictures.

   Once in a while you make me write in a deep searching mode. I'm a thinker most of time, but once in a while I need to write about things because I can't hold the things in my brain any more. Sometimes our issues consume my whole energy, I just can't function my life. It seems to me all my senses come to the full stop. It doesn't take me too long to sit in front of the computer and log in my blog and type whatever it comes to in my mind. In here I can visualize the problems and seek the solutions. Sure, life is full of uncertainties and negatives, but that doesn't mean I need to settle down on this shaky ground forever and be helpless. When no one seems to help my problem, I have to help myself to stand on the ground, or jump off the ground, or dance on the shaky movements. It's my choice and this is what I'm going to do.

   I have heard these sentences numerous times in last few weeks before drop-off, after pick-up and in the school playground.
   "SouLynn wasn't nice to me" one of your class friend came to me with the angry face.
   "SouLynn said she doesn't want to be my friend!" the other came to me with the teary eyes.
   I also got the complaints from a mom of your morning class. She said you were arguing with her daughter and you fought with the raging voices, "stupid!" 

   I hoped you understood from my countless lectures, "SouLynn, you shouldn't hurt other's feeling that way. How would you feel if some of your friend tells you you aren't her friend any more. Your words can hurt really. Think about how your friends would feel when you say such things," always I took a deep breath to explain the situation. Apparently it didn't go through your ears.

   Yesterday, I was a little late for picking you up after your class. On my way up to your classroom, one of your friend shouted to make sure every parents could listen, "SouLynn kicked ***'s face in the garden time." I couldn't believe you would do such things. "Was it an accident,?" I asked her on her eye level. She answered you did on purpose. In such a hurry, few seconds of getting up to the classroom, my head started to spin, swirl with so many questions, what? why? how? what happened exactly? It was the moment when I saw the boy's one side of cheek turned red and his mom coming out from the classroom. She stared at me in a way what a normal mom would do in this situation. She didn't say a word but I could feel the sharpness on her eyes.

   Feeling puzzled, feeling mortified, I asked the teacher what had happened in the garden time. You two were playing like regularly and you acting a princess who was locked in the castle, and this boy acting a scary dragon. Knowing you I could picture how intense you would play the role. After the incident you were silent for a moment, with your teacher's intervention you finally spoke to your friend that you were sorry. Over my shock your teacher also mentioned your bossing behavior to certain friends during the class. I really hoped you getting into the gifted school for kindergarten had nothing to do with it. At the end of short conversations with your teacher I was defeated. I was knocked down. Game over! Once again I was labeled to a bad parent who didn't raise a child in a right way. 

   I couldn't look at other moms' face, to tell you the truth. I knew what they would think, if I didn't know exactly what they would think, I had the close idea somehow. You being in a car seat, while I was out of the car once I parked in the parking lot, I needed to get some fresh air. The cooling air in the late afternoon on mid April calmed me down.

   I need to focus. I just can't be upset and disappointed. I need to work through this. She doesn't listen to me, I've been telling her ear off, maybe her ears got blocked my countless nagging? Is she already trained to the selective listening? What should I do? Why can't she give me a break? Why can't she be like other kids? Why is it so hard to teach being nice? What's wrong with her? Or is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I raising a spoiled brat and a bully in the school? Is my parenting wrong? 

   The unpleasant tears welled up around my eyes. I hated for crying for these things. I convinced myself I was doing my best, but once in a while the feedback from outside wasn't what I expected to get.

   Your dad was worried too, but he had a different point of view. I talked to my close friend, and she gave me the fresh perspectives. The more I thought thoroughly my emotion level found a steady place. I wasn't embarrassed or mortified any more. The bottom line of all I still was trying to figure out what the problem was, and willing to help you to find the healthy way out. The fact is you are 4 years old, and you need a loving guidance to make it things right what you have done wrongly. I'm your mom and you are born through my own flesh and blood, if you need to grow up to a nice person I need to adjust my discipline method toward you.

   Your dad and I told you this has gone way too serious, and we announced you democratic way, "there won't be any playground time after school, no more playdates for a while. You can't have the pink pouffy princess dress until you prove you deserve it. You need to write a letter to your friend for apology." You seemed to agree and understand the situation. No fuss, no whining, no crying, you showed us such a mature reaction, which I thought of it in positive way. That signified me you were ready to listen.

   Today, we went to the library to find the books about misbehavior during the class and what the consequences were. We also read Feet Are Not for Kicking. I checked out a book, Smart Love -The Compassionate Alternative to Discipline That Will Make You a Better Parent And Your Child a Better Person, by Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D.
   I really wish this works. I'm not going to show the weakness as a parent. I'll show that I'm doing my best even the stake is low, I'm still trying to work it through. Because you are my daughter and I love you.