Yo-yi-Tdang! / 요이땅!

  


   Have you ever stood in the starting line for the race?  Have you felt the ten seconds of preparation for running feels like forever? Do you remember the heart-bursting butterfly in your chest while waiting for the whistle to be blown?
  That's exactly how I felt today. Nonetheless I felt great. How ironic is that? I've been wondering so much time imagining what's like in the reality. Today, I've faced two of them.

   First, it was my daughter's first day of her school. I've been thinking about the scenario of her very first day of school so many times, I just couldn't shut my brain down. She and I were half nervous and half excited. We both are not easily intimidated by the circumstances, but we needed good amount of time to observe the surroundings. It's too early to analyze all the aspects of school environment, but something tells me it's going to be the great experience for us.

   Second, it was my first day of Memoir class after few months of the break from writing. I knew I needed this class more than this class wanted me. I was hungry for the setting where passionate writers throw their unique ideas and their personal stories, share them openly and don't restrain themselves to create the art of writing.
   It is the utopia for me as an apprentice of the writer. I decided to call myself as an apprentice and I think the term is correct to describe the way how I feel about myself.
   Knowing myself, if I decided to name, so-called a "writer", I would dump on tons of stress over my head rather than enjoying what I do. Feeling light, feeling fresh, I love learning as a student and I'll enjoy this as a freshman.  

   Now, I picture of myself, standing on the line, waiting for the whistle blown. I also see myself gazing far toward the ending point. I don't know if I can win the race but I know I'll enjoy running during the race. I'll be happy to leave my footprints in the course.


   FYI, Yo-yi-Tdang means ready, steady, go in child-like term in Korean.

  

  

Mom's diary - 09.05.2011/ Tomorrow is a big day!

   Your dad and I went to Parent's school meeting last Tuesday, and I bought your new backpack yesterday.
   How do I feel about all these? It's surreal. Tomorrow is a big day for you and for us too. You will be officially in public school from tomorrow. You will be a preschooler.

   It was last year when I burst out my tears during mom's group meeting in the neighborhood. I even sent out group e-mail asking the general information concerning public schools in Chicago land. I was clueless and desperate. I didn't have anyone to ask comfortably, but needed any indications to suggest me to go.

   Was I scared? Yes, I was horribly scared to ask something everyone ought to know. Did I hesitate? Sure, I didn't know where to start asking questions. On top of that, I wasn't sure if I can communicate fluently in English with ladies who seemed to be in so much distance. I was terrified of their judgmental eyes, or maybe it was my poor projections over them. I just didn't know what to do.

   However, I couldn't just wait and let it happen. I've been a person who research, gather information, compare to each other, and prepare for the upcoming event. At that time, you were becoming 3, and I needed to know what's going to be within a year. Nothing would make any difference even if I had enough knowledge, but I knew from bottom of my heart - I needed a confidence. I needed to expand the network, but also I knew it's the toughest plan I could think of.

   Your dad told me we'll be living only for 2 years in USA. This happened when you and I just arrived in O'hare International Airport on September, 2007. I didn't think ahead, in fact I couldn't think of it. My first concern was making sure of my new born child's health and well-being in this foreign country. Once timeline is scheduled we are supposed to live within this period. Therefore, I didn't need to stress out myself afterwards.

   The year 2010, I finally needed to take the important steps. It was time to say good bye to few years of isolation and depression and lack of connection. I started to attend to neighborhood mom's gathering, pushing your stroller even it was cold winter day. I registered driving classes so that we could travel easily in the town, and I got the driver license within 4 months. Also, I took you all kinds of classes so that you could observe and experience many different things in your early life. Perhaps heaven heard my desperate voice, I'd met lots of wonderful moms, got to know personally, and made precious times together. Although the relationship stayed strong in a ratio 2 out of 10, I consider myself very lucky to start to know new people.

   Tomorrow, I'll see you wearing a backpack as big as you. I'll park the car close by the school. I'll drop you to the line where your new teacher and friends will be. And, I'll stand behind watching you going into your classroom. I know I'll stand there for a while and think - we've made this far together. 

  
  

Breaking from the Break

   Everything has the momentum -the cars, the runners, the machine and the passion.
   Unfortunately once it loses the feeling of continuity, it's hard to keep on the same speed, it gets harder to get on the track and the stress is immense. It could be said it's just the nature of life and you can't do anything about it. ( or do something. )
   I don't know why I even started to write about my least favorite subject physics here. My writing has nothing to do with physics, or maybe that's what I wanted to believe. The truth is there is some kind of nebulous connections between them. 

   I knew I had to get back here, writing. I knew this is my destination.
   Writing has been the way of concluding my day. I know when I write, feeling extreme self-fulfillment or self-accomplishment. When I write or develop the ideas of story, feeling great sense of creativity which makes me feel alive. Unfortunately I just couldn't write. I've been wondering why, why..why?

   There are old stories in my head and I've been thinking about its theme, structure, story components - all kinds of boring part of making a story but very important key factors. But now I'm in a dilemma where I can't focus on my initial story, can't process my thoughts clearly and getting lose my passion of all.

   What a pity! What a shame! Don't I know enough or didn't I remind myself the self-discipline is the key of everything? And am I willing to just let it go without grabbing anything? Don't need any excuses at this point. I found a problem, then I need to figure it out.

   I'm going to stop procrastinating. I'm breaking from the long break.