Mom's diary - 12.27. 2010

We've been hibernating for few days and I needed to get hair cut badly so you and I went out for a date. Considering we had heavy snow for few days, it wasn't so bad driving the town. And I didn't have any problem parking on the street, there weren't many people waiting in the hair salon.
Everything seemed perfect until I heard your sniffing. At first I thought you were complaining for nothing and whining and got runny nose from cold wind. I kept reading magazine and I glanced your face quickly.

There, my heart dropped to 10 ft underneath seeing your tear drops under your eyes.
You were crying quietly. You were sobbing. While I was enjoying listening classical music coming from stereo, you had said, " I miss my daddy. I wanna go home." And I answered as if it was ridiculous to miss daddy because we've been staying all together for 4 days since he got vacation and we just got out from home. To me, it was nonsense. "Honey, we just got here and it won't take too long. Here! You can have Lollipop."

You were sucking a lollipop and sobbing with runny nose. I couldn't believe what I saw.
I had no idea what to do, and what to say. It was such a shock that you could cry without any physical pain or asking more attention. In my snap judgement, there weren't any reason to cry except this classical music.
So I asked, " Is this music making you cry? Does it make you sad?" And you answered with nodding, "Yes."

Your crying today wasn't regular one. I've been with you all the time since you were born and it was something totally different than anything like that. Your tears were coming out from your heart. You must have felt something strong in your heart, I guess that music reminded you a time with daddy and as a result you wanted to go home.
Now, I'm thinking back, you've shown quite different dance movement on different music. I also remembered you liked sad and dramatic songs played from Pandora. I guess you've been developing deeper emotions that various sound factors can actually move your heart. It was such a shock to me.

You sobbed throughout whole time while my hair's done and everybody in the salon were sad by your emotional  tears. To tell you the truth, your sobbing reminded me when I cry in the bathroom while water tap's on. Who would've thought 3 1/2 -year-old girl can cry like an adult??

Oh, my girl...
Does it mean that I have to be prepared for your emotion's journey??
What a coincident that last night I wrote about my emotion's roller coaster riding!!

All I know now is when you cry from your heart, my heart is torn out.
Now, I understand why my mom used to tell me, "Don't show your heart to everyone."
She meant if I reveal my emotions to everyone, I get easily target of attention and more chances to get hurt.
I believe no moms want their children get hurt. Nobody can hurt my child. Nobody.

I guess I have to get ready to teach you how to deal with these emotions now.
I guess that's how you grow up as a person and this is how I grow up as a mom.