Show-window

One step, two step, walking on Roscoe st., my footsteps aren't so cheerful. I turned my head and paused walking, gazed the reflection on show-window.

Is this me? Do I look like this? Am I happy the way I am? Why do I look so concerned? Why do I carry so much burden? Why can't I be like anybody else, shrugging their shoulders, acting cool, speaking out loud 'whatever'?

Whatever.. Whatever.. Whatever.. I pretend, but it doesn't make feel any better. In fact, it makes it worse. It doesn't solve any problem, any concern. I can't just be cool with everything. Maybe I tackle too many things, maybe I take things way too seriously. Will I ever rest my mind?

Official Invitation of Criticism

   I think this way, I dress up this way, I talk this way and I live my life this way. What do you know about me anyway? The way you see me doesn't mean that's the truth of me. What you see is just a little particle of my whole universe. The sarcastic attitude and your twisted judgement only makes me laugh.

   How funny! But I still write about who I am. I keep inviting people to criticize me. I write a non-fiction, I write a diary on my blog, my writing is full of my own experience, the opinion and my immature understanding. I once encountered the person laughed straight at my face, "so, you are writing a memoir and your are only 30? You are a baby!"

   First I was offended, but then I could use this anger to good direction of my writing. It might sound like the counter-attack in different way, but he obviously didn't understand how this writing was important to me. If I get the second chance to talk to him, I know what I would do. I will show this mysterious smile and answer back, "every experiences count, you will see."

   Back to my sanity, I start to think.  I ask numerous questions to myself. Is this the right way to write a story? Just to prove someone else who made a sarcastic comment? Should I write a story to target a single person? or a group of haters? Then, where is the dignity on my doing? How much am I willing to take it? How much am I confident to stand against them? How strong am I? That will be the core question I need to ask to myself. Confidence will be the answer.

Janus's face

   Didn't I watch enough people's arrogance, and their hypocrisy? Didn't I hear enough their brutality? Their two side faces often make me sick, and leaves me incurable bitterness. When did I start to observe their  Janus's face? Their exuberant greetings and lively conversations, their hurtful words and gossips behind the back; are these something new? I don't think so. Such things are universal, and they grow up with us either we like it or not. Yes, I changed the first pronoun from "they" to "we", which indicates I'm also one of them. After all, I'm living in this world and I see things certain way I want to see, I reflect things through my own eyes. Sometimes my own criticism about others make me sick too. I feel disgusted myself.

   I dance with them, I sing with them, and I confuse myself of being the worst Janus in the world. Scared, stunned, I stop dancing and singing. I step back and retreat from them. I sit in the corner and observe them. I don't want to be like them. I want to find the truth in myself, either I like it or not. There must be something doesn't change in this world. What would that be?

    

Too many thoughts..

Too many thoughts in my brain,
too many words in the book,
very little time for recording.

Frustration is no use.
Memorization is only alternative.
How good, how far, how much?

Questions never ends,
Perhaps that's my life source to keep moving on.

I have a strong vision,
That will lead me where I truly belong,
As it always has been, it will be once again.

My Inner Disturbance

  Study hard, learn with great zeal!
  You know nothing about this world,  you young soul!
  So don't waste your time, your life,
  go back to your books and learn from them.

  Countless times of lecture after lecture,
  gotten sick of listening their empty sermon.
  My ears were coated and glazed by their 'oh-I-do-care!' attitude,
  but it only made me contemplate, 'do you really care?'

  'If you think learning is so important, why don't you read first? 
   All you do is watching television and chatting with your friends over the phone.
   Do I really see any role model?' 

   Of course, I didn't speak up.
   I wouldn't risk disturbing my zen any further by doing something stupid.
   I pretended to listen to them although I could answer back hundreds of words with bullet speed.

   Anger, frustration, devastation and isolation-
   in fact,- brought me to the world of books, literature.

   I wanted to know why this world is full of misery.
   I wanted to know why do people live with hypocrisy.
   I need to hear the answer why there are so many gaps between the knowledge and the reality.
   What is going on in this world?

   My ongoing questions will never be calm,
   I'm just taming these inner disturbance with inner strength.
   And I write, what else can I do, huh?