Sentimental Mama

Mama sat down on a chair, trying to write about how she feels.
Mama got teary eyes, thinking of her only child, today, off to kindergarten.
Mama tried to act tough, act strong, but no avail.
Mama is sentimental, mama broke into tears.

Will she be fine?
Will she listen to her teacher well?
Will she be shy to make friends?
Will she eat lunch without my guidance?

A butterfly in my stomach woke me up in the middle of night.
It was two a.m., and I looked for my little girl.
She was sleeping soundly, peacefully.
When did she grow so tall, so fast?
I gently grabbed her hand and touched her hair, as I listened to her deep breathing.

Now you will be gone to school most of days.
You will make new friends, meet new teacher, spend your days in the classroom.
You will bring lots of stories to share with me,
I will be there to listen to you, your every single words.

This is how mom feels on a first day of school.
A great sentiment of the reality, our rich memories from the past,
I look at your baby photos, your chubby legs and baby belly, now they are hardly can be found.

My little girl,
I wish you for the best as always.
Have fun at school, enjoy learning, respect others, be confident and be yourself.

Love,
Mom

The Evil Bullies

My daughter likes to monologue when she draws pictures. She likes to draw the characters on her notepad, make up stories, and narrate the event. I usually pretend not to listen to her, but last night I had to participate in her play purposefully.

I overheard the scene she was into; one girl punched the other girl's nose bleeding, and this mean girl felt good about hurting her friend. I could sense that my little one was trying to experiment the concept of bully indirect way.

First I had to be sure what are the exact definition of bully. 

• [NOUN] A bully is someone who uses their strength or power to hurt or frighten other people.
• [VERB] If someone bullies you, they use their strength or power to hurt or frighten you. 

 Once I got into a bully conversation, I thought of evil characters in Disney princess stories.  

"Who's the bully in the Cinderella story?" I asked.
"The evil step-mother," my daughter answers, "she is the bully."

"Who's the bully in the Snow White story?" I asked.
"The evil queen," my daughter replied, "she's the bully."
"Why do you think so?" I questioned.
"Because she was jealous of Snow White and she tried to kill her." 

"Who's the bully in the Aladdin story?" I continued.
"Jafar, the evil sorcerer," she frowned as if she disapproved of him, "he's the bad guy." 
"Why do you think so?" Again, I asked.
For a second she seemed to think of the answer, and went on to explain, "because he tried to hypnotize Sultan and tried to kill Aladdin and Jasmine." 

"Who's the bully in the Little Mermaid story?" 
"The evil octopus witch!" she screamed and went on, "she looks disgusting."
"Why do you think she's the bully?" I asked.
"Because she tricked Ariel and tried to use her voice to get married to Prince Eric." 

"Who's the bully in the Tangled?" again I inquired.
"Rapunzel's mom," she was passionate to answer,"but you know, she's not the real mom. She is the wicked sorceress."
"Why do you think she's the bully?" my eyes were fixed on her face. 
"Because she kidnapped Rapunzel and used Rapunzel's hair so that she could stay young." 






The lesson of this conversation was clear. I wanted her to understand there are certain actions being categorized as a bully. She was warned many times about her aggressive behavior, often it was labeled "her strong character" or "leadership" if we put it in a positive way. But I realized there was lacking of clear explanation to persuade her to stop such behavior. Now given these examples I wonder how she will react in the future occurrence. I hope she choose the right thing.

You are a Bad Mom!

My four-year-old daughter has very strong personality. From the birth she had a serious look, and she never showed us an angelic and innocent infant's smile throughout her first year. She seemed to analyze everything around her, study things how they work, her eyes were busy to follow people around her. My husband and I called her Miss.Serious.

She developed her motor skills quite early as she started to walk by 10 month. Her language was also developed earlier than average in the language development charts. As well as her feisty attitude came along earlier than I would have expected.

One time my close friend nicknamed my daughter, Tazmanian devil from Looney tunes. I had to agree with her. My little girl wore me out just by looking at her.

Time passes in a speed of light, good times and bad times eventually turn around, and here we are now in 2012. My daughter is soon to be five. She's my only child and she's going to be only child for a while. But her extreme social character demanded me to enroll classes after classes. She wanted to play with her age group.
 
Yesterday she wanted to stay longer with her friends playing soccer in the gymnasium. I explained we need to go home, eat lunch, and get ready for her school in the afternoon. She got sulky and reluctantly followed me in the car. While she was having snack and juice on our way home, she complained why I picked her up early so that she couldn't play with other friends. She made all blame that it was my fault that she couldn't enjoy her time with her gangs. When I parked the car in front of our house, she finally yelled at me with wide open eyes, "you are a bad mom!"

I couldn't believe what I just heard. Did she just scream I am a bad mom? I bit my lips, and stared at her straight, "let's talk in the house. Get in right now!"

There wasn't any argument. My angry voice and snappy narration hollered at the entrance in the house. "I am your mom," I shrieked, "you are only 4 years old. You never talk to your mom like that. Do you wanna know what bad mom is? You go in your room. Stay there until you realize what you have said!"  

I didn't want to hear her fake crying, her belated apology, and exaggerated tantrum. She got in her room, and I poured cold water in the glass. A deep sigh, and again, and again, I tried to change my mind but I couldn't slip this away. Mother's day was only two days ago, and she was all happy to tell me I'm the best mom in the world. I guess I'm not anymore.  

Half an hour later, her room door slowly opened. Her face peeked out from the tiny gap between the door and the wall. I heard her quiet foot step toward the kitchen table, where I sat entire time thinking and listening her movement. I felt a little stroke on my waist. On the corner of my eyes, I saw her "I-am-so-sorry" face. "Mom," she said, "I was wrong. I'm not gonna say such things again. You are my good mama."

During my contemplation, I thought a lot about my reactions toward her. Was there any other way to teach her the lesson? Was I supposed to talk differently? How should I make this issue clear so that she doesn't forget? The big problems usually start with small ones, and I had to make it clear from the beginning. My brain activity accelerated as I narrow down to the bullet point the key issues. As I clear my mind, I started feel calm and knew what to say.

"Listen very carefully." I spoke quietly but firmly, "first of all, you need to respect your parents. I'm here to guide you to make the right choice. You simply complained because you didn't get what you wanted without much consideration. The way you talked to me in the car is unacceptable. You keep forgetting although I gave you enough warning. There's always bad consequences if you don't think properly. You need to learn from your own mistake, you got it? That's life."  

Whether she understood it or not, I needed it verbalized. It was a message to myself as well. To be fair, I should watch myself to be a good example for her. My head and shoulder felt heavy. 

Mom's Diary - 5.4.2012

Where should I start? When my heart is full of emotion, it's hard to untangle, even hard to describe. I guess I'll start from the beginning of the day.

A bunch of Gerbera Daisy, given by my dear friend, Susan

This beautiful bunch of Gerbera Daisy in a crystal vase shook me up from morning crankiness. Unlike you, I'm grumpy when I wake up. I just can't function my brain properly in the morning. How jolly you are! How cheerful you are! Your vitality and vigor makes me smile, but I still need few hours to get back on my mood. This morning, though, I had a giant smile hanging from my ear to ear. This vibrant scarlet red flowers made me realize I'm alive. My eyes slowly moved around the layers of petals, its secretly hidden center, and the lively spring green stems. What a lovely gift I got! The gratitude toward to my friend, Susan, sprouted from my heart. The feeling of loved and cared for is something I will never be tired of.

Then, naturally I get to do my routine. Today, though, I had very special feeling. Since we were scheduled to participate your school activity Pulitzer Prize Ceremony, I was a bit anxious. I wanted everything goes well for you. You've worked hard to create your first poem, and now it was time to get acknowledged. Most of moms would feel the same way as I were; the sensation of pride, and a little touch of anxiety.

My daughter presents her poem, Feet are Not for Kicking

As usual, you aren't shy, you aren't intimidated. Your playful and confident voice in front of your friends tickled my heart. You truly enjoyed standing in front of others. At the end of your presentation, it was time for comments and questions from your fellow friends. As if it was planned everyone made a same comment, "I really liked when you said sorry to the boy!" I glanced at your face, and you seemed to understand and sympathize these reactions.

Award-winning author and illustrator, so to speak

Your teachers are awesome! I was astonished by their thoughtful preparations, including the red carpet on the corridor. These things make me really happy. I'm a big fan of thoughtfulness and dedication, your teachers know exactly how to impress parents.

After a big applaud, the authors could sit on the winning chair. When I saw you sitting on it, holding a tiny trophy in one hand and a laminated poem book on the other, I was struck by the huge emotional wave. Was I overreacted? I don't know. Maybe I was, but I didn't care and I don't care. This was the moment of your life, and I was able to witness and celebrate together. As much you had your moment, I had mine.

You wouldn't be able to imagine how I felt. Being a young mom, and not growing up in States haunted me since we moved to Chicago, the year 2007. You being an infant, me not having any social network, not knowing how to drive, all these big mountains of obstacles looked invincible. Now I am convinced myself nothing is invincible as long as we've got the spirit of survival. Together we have made this far.

Mom's diary - 4.18.2012

   This is my first diary of the year 2012. And it's mid-April. What happened until now? It's hard to summarize it, too many to count, or too petty to write. Don't get me wrong though. I've been writing in different way, but not to the point to write a diary as I used to do, to meditate our issues, to search for the healthy outlet. Writing a diary here was always the good way to see the bigger pictures.

   Once in a while you make me write in a deep searching mode. I'm a thinker most of time, but once in a while I need to write about things because I can't hold the things in my brain any more. Sometimes our issues consume my whole energy, I just can't function my life. It seems to me all my senses come to the full stop. It doesn't take me too long to sit in front of the computer and log in my blog and type whatever it comes to in my mind. In here I can visualize the problems and seek the solutions. Sure, life is full of uncertainties and negatives, but that doesn't mean I need to settle down on this shaky ground forever and be helpless. When no one seems to help my problem, I have to help myself to stand on the ground, or jump off the ground, or dance on the shaky movements. It's my choice and this is what I'm going to do.

   I have heard these sentences numerous times in last few weeks before drop-off, after pick-up and in the school playground.
   "SouLynn wasn't nice to me" one of your class friend came to me with the angry face.
   "SouLynn said she doesn't want to be my friend!" the other came to me with the teary eyes.
   I also got the complaints from a mom of your morning class. She said you were arguing with her daughter and you fought with the raging voices, "stupid!" 

   I hoped you understood from my countless lectures, "SouLynn, you shouldn't hurt other's feeling that way. How would you feel if some of your friend tells you you aren't her friend any more. Your words can hurt really. Think about how your friends would feel when you say such things," always I took a deep breath to explain the situation. Apparently it didn't go through your ears.

   Yesterday, I was a little late for picking you up after your class. On my way up to your classroom, one of your friend shouted to make sure every parents could listen, "SouLynn kicked ***'s face in the garden time." I couldn't believe you would do such things. "Was it an accident,?" I asked her on her eye level. She answered you did on purpose. In such a hurry, few seconds of getting up to the classroom, my head started to spin, swirl with so many questions, what? why? how? what happened exactly? It was the moment when I saw the boy's one side of cheek turned red and his mom coming out from the classroom. She stared at me in a way what a normal mom would do in this situation. She didn't say a word but I could feel the sharpness on her eyes.

   Feeling puzzled, feeling mortified, I asked the teacher what had happened in the garden time. You two were playing like regularly and you acting a princess who was locked in the castle, and this boy acting a scary dragon. Knowing you I could picture how intense you would play the role. After the incident you were silent for a moment, with your teacher's intervention you finally spoke to your friend that you were sorry. Over my shock your teacher also mentioned your bossing behavior to certain friends during the class. I really hoped you getting into the gifted school for kindergarten had nothing to do with it. At the end of short conversations with your teacher I was defeated. I was knocked down. Game over! Once again I was labeled to a bad parent who didn't raise a child in a right way. 

   I couldn't look at other moms' face, to tell you the truth. I knew what they would think, if I didn't know exactly what they would think, I had the close idea somehow. You being in a car seat, while I was out of the car once I parked in the parking lot, I needed to get some fresh air. The cooling air in the late afternoon on mid April calmed me down.

   I need to focus. I just can't be upset and disappointed. I need to work through this. She doesn't listen to me, I've been telling her ear off, maybe her ears got blocked my countless nagging? Is she already trained to the selective listening? What should I do? Why can't she give me a break? Why can't she be like other kids? Why is it so hard to teach being nice? What's wrong with her? Or is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I raising a spoiled brat and a bully in the school? Is my parenting wrong? 

   The unpleasant tears welled up around my eyes. I hated for crying for these things. I convinced myself I was doing my best, but once in a while the feedback from outside wasn't what I expected to get.

   Your dad was worried too, but he had a different point of view. I talked to my close friend, and she gave me the fresh perspectives. The more I thought thoroughly my emotion level found a steady place. I wasn't embarrassed or mortified any more. The bottom line of all I still was trying to figure out what the problem was, and willing to help you to find the healthy way out. The fact is you are 4 years old, and you need a loving guidance to make it things right what you have done wrongly. I'm your mom and you are born through my own flesh and blood, if you need to grow up to a nice person I need to adjust my discipline method toward you.

   Your dad and I told you this has gone way too serious, and we announced you democratic way, "there won't be any playground time after school, no more playdates for a while. You can't have the pink pouffy princess dress until you prove you deserve it. You need to write a letter to your friend for apology." You seemed to agree and understand the situation. No fuss, no whining, no crying, you showed us such a mature reaction, which I thought of it in positive way. That signified me you were ready to listen.

   Today, we went to the library to find the books about misbehavior during the class and what the consequences were. We also read Feet Are Not for Kicking. I checked out a book, Smart Love -The Compassionate Alternative to Discipline That Will Make You a Better Parent And Your Child a Better Person, by Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D.
   I really wish this works. I'm not going to show the weakness as a parent. I'll show that I'm doing my best even the stake is low, I'm still trying to work it through. Because you are my daughter and I love you.
    

Mom's diary - 12/17/2011, "why do I have to go to Korean school?"

   Every member of our family woke up late this Saturday morning; 10:30 a.m. Wow.. I don't remember when was the last time we slept that late. Although I have good idea why. First, we have insane schedule during the week; play-date on every mornings, your preschool in the afternoon, and then dinner time, bath time, story time. When I finally breathe deeply after saying night-night, getting out of your room, I often get shock by how late the time is, and how fast time goes. There, I get mixed feelings while my eyes are fixed on tick-tock clock.

   I try to live my life without regret, every single moment. I've carved this motto since I was thirteen, which is "내가 헛되이 보낸 오늘은, 어제 죽은이가 그토록 살고 싶어하던 내일이었다./ The day I spent in vain was the tomorrow for whom died yesterday, who would pay anything to live."

   First thing I ask to myself is 1) is there anything I regret for today?, 2) did I do my best today?, 3) will I able to sleep peacefully without any burden on me?
   Having regret is the worst thing in general life. Whenever we need to decide to do something or anything, we should remind ourselves if this decision would stain us any potential regret? From early on, I tried my best to live without any regret. I needed to be extremely conscious of what I do, what I say. Making mistakes is inevitable, but we could try to learn from earlier mistakes, including other's mistakes. Being aware of the past, of the present and the future is main key in terms of making decisions in our lives.

*   *   * 

   You came to our bed with happy and restful smile, and reached out my warm belly with your tiny hand.
   "Mommy, flat, flat your belly! I love touching your warm, squishy belly!" said while lifting the comfy blanket. Your little finger but strong enough to make me yell, "Ooouch! don't hurt mommy!" I squinted my half-awake eyes, and went on grumble. "Sou Lynn, you shouldn't pinch my belly like that, it really hurts!"
   This became our routine every time me being defenseless state, you rush into my abdomen and squeeze it with passionate strength. You're proud to say "I'm obsessed on my mom's belly." You squeal with the most triumphant smile. Looking at you being happy with this simple thing, I let myself be a voluntary victim. On the other hand, I know it won't last that long. You're growing so fast and will be gone to school in most of your life. Sometimes I ask myself, why just can't I enjoy time with you, instead of arguing and fussing and being dramatic with stupid disciplines..

   Our Saturday is one more extension of weekdays, since you go to Korean school for three and half hours. It might sound long for the language school, but I think it's good duration for the proper education and practice. There are lots of great things about Korean school, but I want you to feel that you belong this community. Last few weeks, I have sensed there are certain things bother you. You've been complaining about going to Korean school. "I don't like going to Korean school. It's too long, it's like hundred hours!"

   Unlike other complaints, this sentence has snapped on my heart sharply. Before I answered, I needed to think what do I need to tell you, what message do I need to convey to you, how would I make you understand. Obviously I couldn't explain things complicated, I needed to make it sound simple. And that is very hard task; to make things simple and clear, to narrow down the core, to the main point.

   "Honey, I understand that hours seem to be a bit long. You want to play with your friends, run outside, talk to your friend during the class.. I understand these. But this is very important. When you grow up like mommy, and if you can't speak mommy's language, you will feel bad for yourself. You can't talk to Halmoni and Halaboji, and you wouldn't understand them. That will make mommy really sad. I want you to learn where I come from, and that's part of who you are, too. It takes long years to learn these things, but starting early is your great opportunity. Do you understand?" I said sincerely, with low voice, slow pace. Our eyes met together and you seemed to understand how I was serious.

   Then I headed shower. Under the hot streaming water, I replayed our earlier conversations if anything could be added or differently explained. Talking to 4-year-old in sincere attitude doesn't seem to be easy, because there's no guarantee that they would understand me what I meant. I'm just hoping that my words are not like sweet bonbon or chocolate to persuade them temporarily. I hope you understood that I meant every single words.

   When I got out of shower, you knocked the bathroom door. Gently pushing it, with shy smile, you spoke up. "Mom, I wanna go to Korean school now. I won't hide under the table. I'll listen well to the teacher."
   I didn't speak, but gave you a big hug and huge smile. My heart was smiling at you, and I knew that words also came from your sincere heart.

   People used to say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. My mom used to repeat this sentence a lot while I grew up. She understood there are many ways to persuade her children to do things, but she never forgot the bottom line rules. She never forced me to do anything, but patiently waited.

 
   

The Sun vs.The Wind

   {This story continues from the earlier short essay The contest between the Sun and the Wind.}

The Wind bragged to the Sun, "I'm the strongest one! I'm much stronger than you!"

"Really?" said the Sun. "Then I challenge you to a contest of strength. Let us see who can take the coat off that man on the road."

  "Oh, that's too easy!" howled the Wind.
"I'll huff and I'll puff, I'll blow to the brim. I'll RIP his coat off of him! I'll SMASH him against the trees! I'll take his coat off with ease!"

So... The Wind blew harshly down the road. The man clutched tightly to his coat. The Wind grew loud. The Wind grew cold. The shivering man buttoned up his coat. The birds clung to the trees. The world was dust and leaves. But the harder the Wind blew down the road, the tighter the man held onto his coat.
Discouraged, the Wind blustered off with a gust and a swirl.

Then... The Sun peeked out from behind a cloud, warming the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat. He lifted his voice and sang out loud. 

The Sun grew even brighter, and brighter, and brighter, and brighter.

The man began to feel so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot. The Wind returned and said to the Sun, 

"I huffed and I puffed and I blew to the brim but I could not force the man's coat from him.. I can't imagine that you were able to either!"

The Wind stopped howling long enough to look down. There was the man, sitting under a tree. Lo and behold! His coat was folded up like a pillow under his head.

"How did you FORCE him to take off his coat!?" the Wind asked in amazement.
The Sun replied, "I did not force him at all. I lit the day! Through gentleness I won my way." 

"There MUST have been a TRICK!" grumbled the Wind.

"It's not a trick," said the Sun. "It's a choice and a skill. Would you like me to show you?" 
The Sun just smiled...

*   *   *

 I love Aesop's fable. Among so many of his stories, my favorite is still the contest between the Sun and the Wind. Since the moment I became a mom, this story has shown me quite different aspects and very clear messages in terms of parenting. 

The moment of waiting has arrived to the final on last Friday. I brought the electric fan, I also brought my Halloween witch wig, and I managed to draw grumpy, boastful, wind face on the hardboard. I did my best to create the mood of the Wind. Kids were excited to see me dressed up as a Wind, and my partner, the Sun, which was acted out by other mom from the class. She and I did our best to dress up as similar to the characters that we were going to play. Her big, bright yellow sun which made from the construction paper, and matching hair band and even sunshine socks were amazingly well prepared.

The main reason that I chose this book for the dramatic play during my daughter's class was that I wanted to observe how kids would react to these two characters. Obviously, these two are strongly contrasted, so it would be easy for them to distinguish. Regardless my name is -in fact- Sun Hee, mostly pronounced Sunny, I chose to play the Wind. It was my chance to play the BAD guy in the play, which I wanted to express the mean side of me without reluctance. However, I had to tone down a little during the act, because I could see the kids' eyes and they sent me a message they aren't fond of bad guy even in a story.

   "So, kids!! I'd like to hear any comments of this story. Who's gonna start?" my daughter's teacher asked questions excitedly after our act was over.

   "I liked when the Sun was brighter and brighter!" the first one answered with shy smile. 

   "I also liked when the Sun peeked out from the clouds!" the second one added with raising hand. 

   "I liked to see when the Wind was bragging!" this comment was made by my daughter. I tried to think positively that my daughter wanted to praise my act, not because she reflected herself into the Wind. 

   "So, who do you think won this contest?" the teacher asked once more. 

   "The SUN!!! The SUN!" every kids were yelling out loud as if they have been waiting to answer this question.

   After acting out this little piece of play in front of 3 to 4-year-old children, it made me think deeply but also it confirmed me certain things that I knew it was right.

  All people -regardless the age, gender or race- gravitate the warmth of others and kindness from others. We are merely a child in eyes of God, and we need to be loved unconditionally. Sadly, the society that we live in isn't the warm place. There are more the Wind than the Sun. And we are taught that we need to endure the Wind and accept its nature.

   Now, here's my question. What kind of person would I like to be? Would I be more like the Wind or the Sun? Well, who said the name is virtue? I need to follow what my name points me to follow, Sun Hee, Sunny.

  

   

  

The contest between the Sun and the Wind.

When I was a little girl, I loved reading picture books. Some of books became pretty bad shape because I carried it everywhere and as a result, the edges got worn out, few pages torn apart. Specifically I remember when my favorite book, 백설공주와 일곱 난장이/ Snow White and seven dwarfs got destroyed, I burst out into tears. My favorite page was worn out and I couldn't see the face of Snow White any more. I could imagine it anyway but the book wasn't the same any more.

Since my daughter was born, I decided to read to her everyday and take her to library every week so that naturally she could learn the importance of reading books. As I grew up in a book friendly environment, I strongly believed she also deserves to be surrounded in same ambiance.

Reading books is the best way to introduce the world to the little ones in my opinion. I still remember the lines from the text book in the middle school, which was there are two major experiences in life; direct and indirect. Direct experiences might seem to be effective to learn the lesson but there are potential dangers and obstacles might be waiting for you. If you weren't notified these similar issues beforehand, you might be puzzled and confused, frustrated and depressed, you might declare giving up.
  
Indirect experiences, however, such as reading books will offer the opportunity to simulate the same situation and make us realize what it would be like. Readers will have better understanding of the situation, possibly able to see the bigger picture and empathize the characters in the story, by using our imagination.
Our imagination is such a gift. Often we don't value much of this huge gift, and sadly we have tendency of taking it for granted.

In my childhood, I used to read lots of fables. Among millions, I always loved reading Aesop's fable. The story was very easy to understand, the character was clearly contrasted, and there were moral lessons underneath. Luckily, my daughter's school topic of the month has been a fairy tale. And I wanted to use this opportunity to enhance her background knowledge. We went to the neighborhood library and filled tons of fairy tale books tightly in the grocery bag. Even librarian was surprised by our one angled selection choice.
I started to read one episode every night to my 4-year-old daughter. Reading a book before going to bed is our ritual. Sometimes when she doesn't behave during the day, I give her serious warning, " If you don't listen to mommy, I'm not going to read a book tonight." Then, she understands.

Tomorrow, I decided to act out the story of The Contest between the Sun and the Wind during her class. Fortunately, one of my daughter's class mom could participate in acting out in front of kids and we planned out for the little entertainment for the little ones. Will they guess that I also acted out a Lady Macbeth in my freshman year? I chose the Wind. I like to play the bad ones, I don't know why. They are interesting characters in a story, in regular life too.

I just finished preparation; a wig, a fan, a wind drawing on a hardboard and my mean looking. I practiced in front of the mirror, reciting my lines in a story. I feel like becoming a child! This feels GREAT! I'll write about the follow-up story tomorrow. I am so excited!
  

Mom's diary - Monologue

   Life is not easy, my daughter.
   And I can't make it easier for you.

   Let's face it- we are given hard task since we are born.
   I have mine and you have yours. As much as I can't live your life, you can't live mine.
   We need to adjust ourselves constantly, we need to learn endlessly.
   Sometimes it bleeds our heart, it empties all the tears, and left nothing but focus-less vacant look. 
   The answer only relies on your gut and your will to survive and will to change yourself.

   As much I've been searching for my own identity,
   you will also go through these lonely journey.

   The same question that I asked thousands and millions of time-
   who am I? where do I belong?

   To tell you the truth, I'm still searching for it.
   I'm hoping to find it before I end my life and to be satisfied to leave this world.
   I still believe there's reason why we are born, and I'm convincing myself that we breathe for the good cause to the world. At least that made me think I'm worth living in this world.

   I'm living my life, not wasting.
   I'm challenging myself, not compromising.
   I've got some well-known gut, but I don't brag about.
   I value high the knowledge but it can't compete with wisdom.
   Sincerity, honesty, and being myself no matter where I am, no matter whom I'm with.

   Your heart knows if you are telling the truth or lie.
   And I'm on the truth side.
    

  

Mom's diary - my new identity

   I got one hour to write this, which I'm not sure how it will turn out. There has been a strong idea in my head swirling and twirling, but every time I was about to write, life kicks in and I ended up being drifted away from the creative mood.

   It's been three weeks that my 4-year-old daughter, Sou Lynn started going her preschool. It surely had impacted on our whole life. No need to mention about the private meeting with her room teacher within a week, I've found there's something I have to accept regardless, which is being called "SouLynn's mom".

   When I drop her off to school, the friendly faces hi to me and calling me, "Hi, SouLynn's mom! How are you today?" When I pick her up from school, the new friend mom asks me, "SouLynn's mom, are you gonna go in the playground?"

   Now, I'm known as SouLynn's mom everywhere. Yes, I AM SouLynn's mom, but I also have a name. Silly me, who cares? It's my random ranting that no one really cares. Having few minutes of monolog and whistling through my nose, I tilted my head the other side and thinking about my mom.

   As long as I remember, my mom was called SunHee's mom all her life. Even at this point, I became someone else's wife and someone else's mom, my mom is still being called SunHee's mom. And my mom loved this title. One time I wondered if she would prefer to be called by her own name. And she told me, "I don't mind. I belong to you as much as you belong to me."

   My mom was always content looking at me and my brother. As if we were some sort of trophies of her own, she gazed on us long time with the happiest smile. My mom never spoke up loudly how much she loved us or care for us, but she showed us her unconditional love through her smile. And, we felt it. I always knew I have the best mom in the world, although I realized it deeply later on. 

   Being called SouLynn's mom doesn't sound so bad anymore. That's the constant reminder how much my role is crucial for my child. I belong to her as much as she belongs to me.

Mom's diary - 9.12.2011

   I feel literally struck by lighting!
   I'm utterly discouraged by your teacher's comment this afternoon.
   I need to think clearly. I need to chill out.
   I'm not going to take it personally. I can't be too sensitive on everything.
   Parenting is just too hard... Discipline is part of parenting and so it is.
   I just don't know what to do.. but I need to figure out what to do.

   My heart sinks in, my sigh is heavy.
   How should I raise you?? How should I guide you? How should I nurture you?
   Every mom wants her kids for the best.
   But what's the best for you??

   My knees on the ground, my tears falling on my cheek.
   I'm desperate to figure it out.
   I won't give up until things get right.
   I will work together with teachers for the best out of you.
  
   I'm not gonna let you spoiled. I'm not gonna let you neglected either.
   I just need to figure it out how..
   I pray and pray to find the way...
 
  
  
  

Mom's diary - 09.05.2011/ Tomorrow is a big day!

   Your dad and I went to Parent's school meeting last Tuesday, and I bought your new backpack yesterday.
   How do I feel about all these? It's surreal. Tomorrow is a big day for you and for us too. You will be officially in public school from tomorrow. You will be a preschooler.

   It was last year when I burst out my tears during mom's group meeting in the neighborhood. I even sent out group e-mail asking the general information concerning public schools in Chicago land. I was clueless and desperate. I didn't have anyone to ask comfortably, but needed any indications to suggest me to go.

   Was I scared? Yes, I was horribly scared to ask something everyone ought to know. Did I hesitate? Sure, I didn't know where to start asking questions. On top of that, I wasn't sure if I can communicate fluently in English with ladies who seemed to be in so much distance. I was terrified of their judgmental eyes, or maybe it was my poor projections over them. I just didn't know what to do.

   However, I couldn't just wait and let it happen. I've been a person who research, gather information, compare to each other, and prepare for the upcoming event. At that time, you were becoming 3, and I needed to know what's going to be within a year. Nothing would make any difference even if I had enough knowledge, but I knew from bottom of my heart - I needed a confidence. I needed to expand the network, but also I knew it's the toughest plan I could think of.

   Your dad told me we'll be living only for 2 years in USA. This happened when you and I just arrived in O'hare International Airport on September, 2007. I didn't think ahead, in fact I couldn't think of it. My first concern was making sure of my new born child's health and well-being in this foreign country. Once timeline is scheduled we are supposed to live within this period. Therefore, I didn't need to stress out myself afterwards.

   The year 2010, I finally needed to take the important steps. It was time to say good bye to few years of isolation and depression and lack of connection. I started to attend to neighborhood mom's gathering, pushing your stroller even it was cold winter day. I registered driving classes so that we could travel easily in the town, and I got the driver license within 4 months. Also, I took you all kinds of classes so that you could observe and experience many different things in your early life. Perhaps heaven heard my desperate voice, I'd met lots of wonderful moms, got to know personally, and made precious times together. Although the relationship stayed strong in a ratio 2 out of 10, I consider myself very lucky to start to know new people.

   Tomorrow, I'll see you wearing a backpack as big as you. I'll park the car close by the school. I'll drop you to the line where your new teacher and friends will be. And, I'll stand behind watching you going into your classroom. I know I'll stand there for a while and think - we've made this far together. 

  
  

Mom's diary - 6. 8. 2011 / What's your problem, bitch?

 

[ Before I write my diary, I need to warn beforehand that there will be frequent use of vulgar words, including F-words. So anybody who's not so comfortable with these words, just close it. You don't have to read it. ]

I'm in the turmoil of negative feelings right now, and I don't want to screw my mood and spoil my evening any longer by some kind of arrogant, idiot woman that I met in the shoe store in the downtown, Montreal. The only way that I can vent properly is writing. So here I am, sitting by the desk, typing my small Netbook keyboard crazily, and steaming out my anger.

This is how my story begins. It was relatively pleasant afternoon considering the weather forecast had announced it would be 38°. Initially I wanted to stay in the neighborhood but sooner, I changed my mind. SL and I had a peaceful brunch at the café ARhoma, and headed to Place-des-arts to see what's happening there. We had fun walking underground city in the center of Montreal. I truly appreciated how lucky we were. It was hot and humid outside, so I was determined to stay indoor with A/C.

When I checked the time, it was 3: 30 P.M. Soon it would be the rush hour so I needed to hurry up to back to condo. There, SL saw the sparkling shoes in the shoe store, and my eyes got widened when I saw the sign "rabais 50% tout"(discount 50% all items) on its show-window.

It was pretty crowded - lots of young ladies trying different shoes, the saleswoman bringing other shoes that their potential clients had asked for. It was hectic if I have to use a one word, but I was determined to buy new sandal in this store. As I tried different styles of sandals, my "shoe lover" SL didn't give up trying for herself either. She pulled out all kinds of sparkling ones and tried them on and looked herself into a mirror. It was fun time together, and honestly I didn't think her actions would bother other people.

Here, I need to point out the facts - she is not even 4 years old yet, she likes to see herself in a mirror, and she didn't make any noise or mess in the store. After she tried one sandal and moved to another, I put them back a.s.a.p. I'm not that kind of selfish, ignorant mom who doesn't care about her kids' behavior in the public.
I DO CARE ABOUT OTHERS. I concern my child's behavior in the public all the time. This is one of the important lessons that I have to teach my child- in order to survive in the society with other human being, unless she decides to live in the inhabited island all alone- she needs to practice how to have fun without disturbing others.

Back the the scene, I found really nice purple sandal on my size. Knowing the fact that it's rare to find 5 1/2 shoes, I believed this was my chance. And, I was about to tell the clerk that I would buy it.

   Suddenly, I heard a woman's screaming. "Ahhoooo!!"
   I quickly checked SL, and she was perplexed.
   My quick sense told me that she stepped on this woman's toe while running toward me. With no time, I apologized, "Oh..I'm so sorry. My daughter wasn't being careful."

   "Look at this toe! Look!!"
This woman raised her voice as loud, her eyes widened as possible and she was about to eat me up. She lifted her foot on the foot stool, and pointed at her skinned-off pinky toe. It wasn't bruised, bled or broken. For a second, I thought she was really good actor. Her exaggeration level was equal to the Hollywood class. She made all fuss about and started to being dramatic in the middle of the store.

   "Hum? Do you see this toe? Do you? Is this your child?" She continued to yell at me.
   "I'm really sorry. Sou Lynn, please apologize to this lady for stepping her foot." I still managed to be polite.

   "What? I don't need her saying sorry. It's YOU! YOU ARE THE MOM, and IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
   You let your child run around, and that's why I got this!  YOU ARE HER MOM, SO WATCH YOUR KIDS!" Ok? You are her mom! Watch your kids!"

I couldn't believe what I just heard. It was way beyond of my expectation. With my mouth being opened, it took few seconds to register what this crazy bitch accusing me. Her voice tone was 100% to draw all the people's attention around us. This crazy bitch and I became the center of entertainment.

I've heard, I've seen, I've read so many stories of making moms feeling bad, this was the hardcore situation which I've never thought I would face. This few seconds of high tension, my voices in me fought each other.

However, I didn't pull out this nasty words in front of her. The main reason was being with my daughter, I couldn't burst out my spontaneous anger in front of her, although I felt like punching her face straight. "Paw, paw!!!" I would feel really good, then I would face the consequences of making bad choice. Frankly, I regret being polite at the beginning and wasting my expensive smile to this worthless shit. My kindness is not for this narrow-minded, selfish, ignorant shitty folks.

'Shut up, bitch! If you saw the child running around the store, why didn't you go around? You don't have fucking eyes to see this little one? Fuck you, who the hell are you telling me that it's my fault? Shut the fuck up, you crazy bitch! Do you think I'm the easy one to play with? Huh? Do you think I'm that naive to take all shits from your mouth? You are doing this on purpose because I'm Asian, right? You, racist! Why don't you go fuck yourself and be miserable on your own! You worthless, mean human piece! Your mouth is just piece of rag, you dirty bitch!'

I try to be nice and gentle to others, but the truth is I'm not that kind and gentle. My smile and kindness comes from what I believe in. I believe in goodness in people, and peace. But this world is running by all kinds of people, who doesn't necessarily think the same way how I think.

   This is the end of scene.
   "I guess you don't have any experience with kids." I answered and turned around from that ugly bitch, and told SL, "you know what? there are some people like this! This is fine!" I showed her a smile. This smile wasn't easy one to bring up, because I felt like screaming, and pulling out that bitch's hairs. But I had to do what I had to do. I had to make sure my SL didn't get any shock from this crazy episode. I still felt other eyes around me, but I kept smiling at my daughter and gracefully put back my purple sandal, and asked SL, " did you have fun?"
   Then we walked out slowly still smiling, as if nothing happened, as if nothing bothered me, as if I didn't care.


   Now, I don't want to end my day being mad at someone who's worthless think of. She probably was having a bad day, she wouldn't generally act like such a bitch, but it doesn't mean she has the right to vent on any people. I'm still trying to think if there was any other way around to solve this issue.
   All I can think is this is how I should have told her, "I sincerely apologized and if this isn't enough for you, that's not my business. And, don't you ever tell anybody a child's behavior is mom's fault. You obviously don't have any clue what it's like."

   I'm done being angry. I pulled out angers and frustrations as much as I could and now I'm really fine. I will sleep peacefully. Tomorrow will be another day of adventure and fun for us!

Mom's diary - 12.27. 2010

We've been hibernating for few days and I needed to get hair cut badly so you and I went out for a date. Considering we had heavy snow for few days, it wasn't so bad driving the town. And I didn't have any problem parking on the street, there weren't many people waiting in the hair salon.
Everything seemed perfect until I heard your sniffing. At first I thought you were complaining for nothing and whining and got runny nose from cold wind. I kept reading magazine and I glanced your face quickly.

There, my heart dropped to 10 ft underneath seeing your tear drops under your eyes.
You were crying quietly. You were sobbing. While I was enjoying listening classical music coming from stereo, you had said, " I miss my daddy. I wanna go home." And I answered as if it was ridiculous to miss daddy because we've been staying all together for 4 days since he got vacation and we just got out from home. To me, it was nonsense. "Honey, we just got here and it won't take too long. Here! You can have Lollipop."

You were sucking a lollipop and sobbing with runny nose. I couldn't believe what I saw.
I had no idea what to do, and what to say. It was such a shock that you could cry without any physical pain or asking more attention. In my snap judgement, there weren't any reason to cry except this classical music.
So I asked, " Is this music making you cry? Does it make you sad?" And you answered with nodding, "Yes."

Your crying today wasn't regular one. I've been with you all the time since you were born and it was something totally different than anything like that. Your tears were coming out from your heart. You must have felt something strong in your heart, I guess that music reminded you a time with daddy and as a result you wanted to go home.
Now, I'm thinking back, you've shown quite different dance movement on different music. I also remembered you liked sad and dramatic songs played from Pandora. I guess you've been developing deeper emotions that various sound factors can actually move your heart. It was such a shock to me.

You sobbed throughout whole time while my hair's done and everybody in the salon were sad by your emotional  tears. To tell you the truth, your sobbing reminded me when I cry in the bathroom while water tap's on. Who would've thought 3 1/2 -year-old girl can cry like an adult??

Oh, my girl...
Does it mean that I have to be prepared for your emotion's journey??
What a coincident that last night I wrote about my emotion's roller coaster riding!!

All I know now is when you cry from your heart, my heart is torn out.
Now, I understand why my mom used to tell me, "Don't show your heart to everyone."
She meant if I reveal my emotions to everyone, I get easily target of attention and more chances to get hurt.
I believe no moms want their children get hurt. Nobody can hurt my child. Nobody.

I guess I have to get ready to teach you how to deal with these emotions now.
I guess that's how you grow up as a person and this is how I grow up as a mom.

Mom's diary - 12.23. 2010

 It's Christmas season.
You knew it and I felt it at the shopping center this morning.
Since your dad's vacation started today, we went shopping all together.
We also expected lots of people would go shopping today, so we hurried as fast as we could.
Unfortunately, we couldn't escape from traffic. But have you noticed the interesting fact?
Your dad's reaction has been improved of dealing horrible traffic.
It was truly pleasant to see how your dad's mind can be changed on something we can't control.
I don't think you'd remember but your dad was one of millions people who couldn't stand at traffic, shouted at crazy drivers. Oh.. yes..He was. Big time. He was out of control whenever he faced lined up cars ahead of him. If I started to write the details, I wouldn't be able to share this with your dad. ;) So, I'll keep them between me and him.

 Now, I see different side of your dad.
I think he's understanding that there's no point of wasting his energy on something he can't control.
The idea is pretty simple but to adapt it in actual life can be challenging, which means you have to give up your old habit.
Changing old habit to new, fresh, somewhat ideal one is NOT easy.
Believe me. There are thousands of millions of people know what's right thing for them, but once their old habit settled in them, it's really, really , REALLY hard to change it.
'Knowing it' and 'doing it' are very different categories.
Learning knowledge is passive. But participating and doing in action is active process and you need to go through  lots of thinking process as well.

 Anyway, I was very proud of your dad, being a patient and pleasant driver in the middle of insanities.
After all these years, I can finally see what I wanted to see from him. :) I was very happy indeed.

 After dropping by 4 different places plus traffic , all 3 of us got exhausted. As usual, I regretted not having breakfast again. This is my old habit and I know I have to change it for the good consequences but still I hardly follow.
When I am hungry, I get easily tired and easily get frustrated and vent on simple thing. I've been through same thing thousands of times, so logically I should know better by now but somehow it's still challenging.
 'Why?? Why is it so hard to fix old habit and try new ones and stick to what I need??'

My daughter,
I just wanted to let you know that your mom is not perfect.
I make countless mistakes. Even worse, I repeat the same mistakes although I know it's wrong.
I don't know how can I change my old routine? my old ideas? my bitter attitude on specific things?

Knowledge.. is sometimes a piece of paper to me...
Getting more knowledge is not helping much to live better or happier.
To be a better person than 'Me in the yesterday' is tough.
It's tough..