Her land suffered from long time persistent drought.
Plants and trees in this land were withered,
Her well was dried up for a long time.
Residents, animals, creatures were parched with thirst.
Looking up to sky, hoping for a little drop of water,
They wished Will it be today? Will it be tomorrow?
They heard Friedrich Nietzsche's echo -
In reality, hope is the worst evils, because it prolongs mans' torments.
All living things in this land refused to listen to that voice.
Their stubborn resistance kept her living.
It was torture. It was heart breaking.
Her lips were cracked and bled. Would it be today? Will we have any drop of water?
Drip, drop, split, splat,
A droplet of sweet and clear liquid.
Gently, softly wet the barren desert.
Life swifts from one side to the other, just like putting in a weight scale.
The invisible weight adds on one by one.
The heaviness in our lives pulls us down, down, down.
Trying to defy the gravity,
but this invisible effort doesn't seem to work.
Sad reality, but it is what it is.
What happened to the balancing point?
Will I ever find it?
Trying to find equilibrium in my life,
I go to yoga, inhale, exhale, breathe deeply.
I drink wine at dinner, trying to take the burden off from my shoulder.
I read books in search of finding the answer.
Every morning I make a healthy juice from the juice maker, which my husband and I have been continuing since last September. Five days a week, as soon as I open my eyes I pull out bunch of fruits and vegetables on my kitchen counter. Celery stalks, carrots, cucumber, beet, apple, pear, kiwi and kale - these are my day starters.
As usual, with half opened eyes, in a slow motion, I started to peel the carrots, cucumbers, chop the apples, pears, and my daughter, who had been enjoying her breakfast cereal, asked a question.
"Mom, what is confidence?" as random it can be, as usual she can be, she flew a heavy question over my half awake brain.
"Well, honey, confidence is when you do something you believe you can do it well.. or somewhat close," answered with the lower voice, I was still perplexed.
"Then why do you have to show off your confidence?" again, my ever-curious daughter pitched the following question.
"W..what? Why? Where do you get the idea?" I was half annoyed, and half curious.
She was reading the back of cereal box, and this is what she showed to me. Speechless, I was numb.
Later on, my husband who just got out of his shower, who presumably had a fresh mind, answered her question - "Oh, in this context when you eat healthy food, and you do exercise frequently, then you will have a nice body. And you can show it to others without bad feelings for yourself."
My daughter finally got the clear answer and she seemed to be satisfied. On the other hand, I was uncomfortably annoyed by this commercial on the breakfast cereal box. Why would they put such a silly line? After a while I couldn't stop thinking about this sentence, show off your confidence. Really? Does it even make sense in showing off and being confident? Doesn't it mean to be arrogant? What's the thin line between confidence and arrogance?
Oh, crap! I needed to cut these crap! But still....
Monthly cycle, constantly growing pain in my body, nothing is new, I guess this is what Nature Mother commands me to suffer. Being a girl, growing up a woman, experienced the physical pain of delivery. In this body, I once bore a child for nine month, now she is nearly five years old. In this body, being five foot tall, one hundred pound weight, considerably tiny figure, I'm used to feel the pain. Someone tole me once pain is part of our life, so there is no use to resist. I never agreed to this statement. Acceptance was always hard thing to do for me.
What we see is what we know, or we choose to see what we want to see. These are never-ending, looping questions, it doesn't seem to show a clear explanation any sooner.
Circling around the northern part of city of Chicago, I found myself at the intersection of Lawrence and Pulaski. In a cafe, in the corner I finally can breathe. Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, and Indian, I hear their chatting. No matter what I found a place finally I could sit, think and write, that's all I needed. Once in a while I'm coated with indescribable heaviness on my shoulder. Not before long, I'm immobilized. The echoes, the voices, the images drag me into a deep down hole. It's hard to change my mind. Their power, these invisible force, it's hard to describe. They drive me here and there, and I have to fight against them, I need to function my life, I have responsibilities, no one will live my life except myself.
It's painful. Sometimes my memories cause me more pain than my menstrual cycle. They formed me who I am, and I'm constantly affected by it no matter how far I settle down, no matter how hard I try to escape. My memories are who I am.
One step, two step, walking on Roscoe st., my footsteps aren't so cheerful. I turned my head and paused walking, gazed the reflection on show-window.
Is this me? Do I look like this? Am I happy the way I am? Why do I look so concerned? Why do I carry so much burden? Why can't I be like anybody else, shrugging their shoulders, acting cool, speaking out loud 'whatever'?
Whatever.. Whatever.. Whatever.. I pretend, but it doesn't make feel any better. In fact, it makes it worse. It doesn't solve any problem, any concern. I can't just be cool with everything. Maybe I tackle too many things, maybe I take things way too seriously. Will I ever rest my mind?
When we are given the endless time,
albeit the fact we do NOT have the endless time,
but still we have the illusion that our time is infinite,
we often make huge mistake, which is wasting the time.
Let's face the reality.
We were born, and we will die.
We are doomed with mortality.
Our time is limited and we have very little time to do anything we'd like to do.
Time flies, yes, that's what you hear almost every day.
But how about your time? Does it fly, too? Or does it seem to stop?
I have to confess, too. I used to complain about my time that it seemed to be forever.
Nothing excited me, nothing enthused me.
My life seemed to arrive full stop; no action, no pure joy, just mingling and wandering.
Now, in a retrospect, I regret myself for wasting those days.
Youth is such a gift, but I only spent it for the perishable entertainment.
Those years will never come back, and I feel bitter about it.
In 2011, November 9, 4:00 p.m.
During 2 1/2 hours of day break,
I went to the library to select the next stories for my daughter's bed time,
I went to grocery to buy ingredients for tonight's dinner; Lasagna,
And, I think, I write and I reflect on myself and sketch my ideas with words.
I appreciate that I can have day break. I really appreciate that I can drive here and there.
I thank for the things I have in my life.
At last, I thank for the times that I could use for better cause.
I'm a married woman. It's been exactly 6 years since my marital status
has shown "married". The man I stood by on the Palais de Justice, and
made a vow to the eternal union 6 years ago, now he's sitting right in
front of me in a cafe, sketching on his drawing pad while I'm writing this
story.
When we talk about the general anniversary, it's easy
to assume for the extravagant event, such as fancy cruise trip, having
ultra fancy dinner, or super special outing with your partner. In fact, I
have done that. I thought celebrating our anniversary in an unusual
base was the right thing to do. After all, it's our THE special day. And
it's only once a year event, so why not?
Having done special
event on a special date didn't make me feel special, if I have to tell
the truth. It often generated unnecessary stress and financial burden.
It seemed to me we needed to show off somehow by doing something
special.
I often get the random questions like, "so, what are
you guys planning for the anniversary?" Then, automatically I needed to
render the idea something sounds cool. I guess I didn't need to, but I
don't know why I felt pressure answering. In the end, it's just random
questions. It must have come from pure curiosity, or something close.
Then, why did I feel like explaining something cool?
It
happened last year. I answered frankly, "oh! We're going to have a
cruise dinner for this year. We decided to do something special." I
answered with smile. I really thought we deserved to celebrate with
something very special.
However, the whole event went the
opposite direction than the way I had expected to be. My husband didn't
like dancing in the crowds, especially on the floating cruise on Lake
Michigan. I knew it beforehand, and I should've known better. But I
hoped he would make one special exception for that day, for ME. I teased
him, I persuaded him, in the end I threatened him for not cooperating
this event. At the end of the date, we had a big argument and I felt
triple miserable.
'This is worse than just regular day. For
god's sake, it's freaking anniversary and I need to feel something
special. What the hell is this? Do I deserve this kind f abandonment?'
On the way home, I was extremely sulky, I didn't talk to him. I didn't
feel like faking, I didn't want to force myself being a gentle, mellow
wife. I needed to send him a message that I was ultimately pissed off. I
remember we didn't communicate each other for few day afterwards. There
was negative vibe flowing between us. I was mad, and so he was.
Then few more days later, I realized this whole thing was as
ridiculous as it can be. I felt really childish and immature. I realized
I was mad just because I didn't get what I wanted. That kind of
behavior was easily seen by my 3-year-old daughter then. There was no
point of being mean, and grumpy to my faithful husband. I needed to reach out first.
"Honey, I'm really sorry screwing up our anniversary. I really wanted
to feel extra special that day, but seeing you being stubborn in your
chair instead of dancing with me on the floor made me explode. I only
blamed on you because I thought you didn't care what I wanted. But now I
realize I didn't care what you didn't want to, either. Being angry at
you on that day was the last thing I wanted, but I still ended up being
angry at you. Sorry..." I apologized sincerely that night.
" I'm
sorry, too. I really didn't expect you would be mad like a bull. But you
know I'd rather swimming in the freezing lake than dancing on the floor
with bunch of people, don't you?" He talked to me seriously while
sitting right next to me, holding my hands tightly.
I
realized instantly, and I promised myself to not to forget this next time-
all I need in our anniversary is the man I married and the man I love so much,
who is right sitting next to me and holding my hands tightly. That was all I needed.
This year, we decided to do something simple. Of course, after learning hard lesson, we didn't want to screw it up twice. We chose simple restaurant for lunch, went to cafe for a dessert. We also included our daughter for the ice-cream treat, and we went out for the quality date at night. We didn't want to spread fliers that are said "we've been married for 6 years." Instead, we sat down in a small cafe, me writing this story on his iPad, him expressing the ideas of creepy creatures on his sketch book.
Sharing same moments, meeting our eyes together from time to time, making jokes like old couple, sending text messages while the other is focused, and making our memories together -these are the most precious things to look back when we grow older, and talk about over and over again. We will grow old together and he's going to be always with me, and I will be with him for better or worse.
I got one hour to write this, which I'm not sure how it will turn out. There has been a strong idea in my head swirling and twirling, but every time I was about to write, life kicks in and I ended up being drifted away from the creative mood.
It's been three weeks that my 4-year-old daughter, Sou Lynn started going her preschool. It surely had impacted on our whole life. No need to mention about the private meeting with her room teacher within a week, I've found there's something I have to accept regardless, which is being called "SouLynn's mom".
When I drop her off to school, the friendly faces hi to me and calling me, "Hi, SouLynn's mom! How are you today?" When I pick her up from school, the new friend mom asks me, "SouLynn's mom, are you gonna go in the playground?"
Now, I'm known as SouLynn's mom everywhere. Yes, I AM SouLynn's mom, but I also have a name. Silly me, who cares? It's my random ranting that no one really cares. Having few minutes of monolog and whistling through my nose, I tilted my head the other side and thinking about my mom.
As long as I remember, my mom was called SunHee's mom all her life. Even at this point, I became someone else's wife and someone else's mom, my mom is still being called SunHee's mom. And my mom loved this title. One time I wondered if she would prefer to be called by her own name. And she told me, "I don't mind. I belong to you as much as you belong to me."
My mom was always content looking at me and my brother. As if we were some sort of trophies of her own, she gazed on us long time with the happiest smile. My mom never spoke up loudly how much she loved us or care for us, but she showed us her unconditional love through her smile. And, we felt it. I always knew I have the best mom in the world, although I realized it deeply later on.
Being called SouLynn's mom doesn't sound so bad anymore. That's the constant reminder how much my role is crucial for my child. I belong to her as much as she belongs to me.
I feel literally struck by lighting!
I'm utterly discouraged by your teacher's comment this afternoon.
I need to think clearly. I need to chill out.
I'm not going to take it personally. I can't be too sensitive on everything.
Parenting is just too hard... Discipline is part of parenting and so it is.
I just don't know what to do.. but I need to figure out what to do.
My heart sinks in, my sigh is heavy.
How should I raise you?? How should I guide you? How should I nurture you?
Every mom wants her kids for the best.
But what's the best for you??
My knees on the ground, my tears falling on my cheek.
I'm desperate to figure it out.
I won't give up until things get right.
I will work together with teachers for the best out of you.
I'm not gonna let you spoiled. I'm not gonna let you neglected either.
I just need to figure it out how..
I pray and pray to find the way...
Your dad and I went to Parent's school meeting last Tuesday, and I bought your new backpack yesterday.
How do I feel about all these? It's surreal. Tomorrow is a big day for you and for us too. You will be officially in public school from tomorrow. You will be a preschooler.
It was last year when I burst out my tears during mom's group meeting in the neighborhood. I even sent out group e-mail asking the general information concerning public schools in Chicago land. I was clueless and desperate. I didn't have anyone to ask comfortably, but needed any indications to suggest me to go.
Was I scared? Yes, I was horribly scared to ask something everyone ought to know. Did I hesitate? Sure, I didn't know where to start asking questions. On top of that, I wasn't sure if I can communicate fluently in English with ladies who seemed to be in so much distance. I was terrified of their judgmental eyes, or maybe it was my poor projections over them. I just didn't know what to do.
However, I couldn't just wait and let it happen. I've been a person who research, gather information, compare to each other, and prepare for the upcoming event. At that time, you were becoming 3, and I needed to know what's going to be within a year. Nothing would make any difference even if I had enough knowledge, but I knew from bottom of my heart - I needed a confidence. I needed to expand the network, but also I knew it's the toughest plan I could think of.
Your dad told me we'll be living only for 2 years in USA. This happened when you and I just arrived in O'hare International Airport on September, 2007. I didn't think ahead, in fact I couldn't think of it. My first concern was making sure of my new born child's health and well-being in this foreign country. Once timeline is scheduled we are supposed to live within this period. Therefore, I didn't need to stress out myself afterwards.
The year 2010, I finally needed to take the important steps. It was time to say good bye to few years of isolation and depression and lack of connection. I started to attend to neighborhood mom's gathering, pushing your stroller even it was cold winter day. I registered driving classes so that we could travel easily in the town, and I got the driver license within 4 months. Also, I took you all kinds of classes so that you could observe and experience many different things in your early life. Perhaps heaven heard my desperate voice, I'd met lots of wonderful moms, got to know personally, and made precious times together. Although the relationship stayed strong in a ratio 2 out of 10, I consider myself very lucky to start to know new people.
Tomorrow, I'll see you wearing a backpack as big as you. I'll park the car close by the school. I'll drop you to the line where your new teacher and friends will be. And, I'll stand behind watching you going into your classroom. I know I'll stand there for a while and think - we've made this far together.
Tried to forget but I can't
Feeling angry, feeling sorry, feeling all alone.
Wished it didn't happen, but it did.
Told myself, I need to control, I shouldn't lose myself.
But I reached my limit, and there was an emotional explosion.
A dynamite in a wrong place.
I know I will be forgiven
Once again, I'll be loved.
But somehow the feeling of guilt resides deeply in me.
Don't want to carry it, I want to let it go.
Farther I throw away, but it's always coming back just like a boomerang.
Would time solve my emotional hangover?
I really hope so.
Life is already complicated without feeling of guilt.
Deep in the night,
Supposed to be in the bed, sleeping.
But, somehow can't fall asleep right now.
Trying to think, why?
There was a time when I didn't need to worry about tomorrow-
No responsibilities, no motivation, no destination.
Wandering places to places, searching for the places where I could belong.
Feeling of being lost, couldn't help but being bitter.
When I opened my eyes, I woke up.
When I was hungry, I ate.
When I felt tired, I went to bed.
Just spending another day, and day, and days.
Who needs life goal anyway? Why do we fight against nature of life? Simple life is the best!
This was what I thought and I mocked the people who struggled for their dream.
And, I met a lady who was 7 years older than me.
She was a bank branch manager's high positioned assistant.
I was just a summer part-time delivery girl.
Being a typical university freshman, my life circled within alcohol, friends, and karaoke.
One morning, I was stinky drunken but managed to go to work.
I did my chores, all the routines that I had to do-
including shining bank manager's desk, washing his tea cup, scrap booking daily economic articles, and delivering mails.
During recess, this lady came to me and yawned with smile.
"I went to bed late last night. I just couldn't fall asleep.
You see, the night is my time - no one tells you what to do, no one watches you, just enjoy being yourself.
And, I'm paying the price now. " She chuckled and lowered her voice as if she would tell me a secret.
"Sun Hee, when you grow older, you will know how valuable to have your own time. Your own time is priceless. So, don't waste your time."
Tonight, I hear her voice. And, I understand her messages better and clearer.
19-year-old immature girl became 29-year-old mom with life experiences.
I've learned many important lessons through my personal experiences but the most significant lessons were from others - their words, their actions and mostly their lives. This lady's words still echo in my head, that means probably they were sincere and honest from her own heart.
Drizzle, drizzle, the quiet rain falls softly on the ground.
Is it going to be the last spring rain? I wonder.
There's something magical whenever the raindrops tickle the world.
Cars tend to go slower, people walk cautiously.
Even the wipers on the car windshield seeming to say, "hi" with the sound of swish, swish.
Is it only me thinking this way? I wonder.
What am I trying to find this world?
Perhaps the gift of Mother nature, that's what I'm looking for.
We are merely a human with a wrong self-concept in ourselves.
We think we control the world, we believe we are the top of the food chain.
Humans tend to exploit natural goodness around us, just like some people take advantage of other's kindness. And they laugh at their victims being foolish, or they really believe being a superior than others just because their shallow trick scored.
I wonder when the majority would understand this world is not built on the purpose of "taking".
Everything comes and goes, and we are only the little part of the universe.
I'm thinking of the word; Spirit, Soul, Mentality, Inner Strength... I've been always interested in meeting people. I've heard a quote long time ago; a human is a small universe. Whenever I meet people, I'm thinking what's going on in this small universe. I was curious and still I am.
In my culture, we -as a young one- weren't supposed to look at grown-up's eyes straight. We were told looking at the chin or neck of the adult if we wanted to be polite, not on the eyes. Many years of input by parents, school and society, we became naturally not to look at other's eyes straight.
However, my eyes were sneaky. I needed to look at something else instead of what being told. As long as I gave the impression of listening to the authority, I had a freedom to explore. It's kind of similar idea that once our homework is done, we have time to play. I used to look at small things of the people and I tried to find its meanings to them. Whenever I caught the habitual items, then I could relax and felt comfortable to deal with whoever the scary authorities are.
The feeling of anxiety settled in me early in my life. I hated it more than anything. And most of time, these feelings came from people who told me what to do. Not only parents but also a school, a church, the big institution of society seemed to tell, " if you don't obey, then you will get punished. And you will suffer from it."
Why didn't they think we are a person, not a cattle? Why didn't they consider we have feelings? Why didn't they think we are different individuals, not a pack of sticks? Why did they have to scare us, not to love us? Why did they have to rush to raise us, not letting us to have a moment to grow up by ourselves? I wanted to feel cared, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to be someone special to someone, not to many, but just to one. Now, I believe my parents must have loved me more than anyone in the world, however I didn't feel it while growing up. All my life I felt being pushed aside, which made me upset for a long time, and these feeling can't be disappeared easily.
Few years ago, I became a mom, my little girl has shown me so many different levels of life, and I've learned a lesson which is being patient is the hardest thing to do. Does it mean that everyone in my child life didn't have much patience? Is this why they had pushed me such way? I don't know, but I need to figure it out. It's hard to revisit of the past, especially when it was such a mess. But I also believe there must have been a wonderful thing, which made me go through to lead this life.
At this precise moment, my eyes are still searching for something. My wondrous soul is less likely to settle down. But I do have a hope. I believe this hungry soul will be calm and find a peace.
There is a saying that 'the opportunity comes to whom has been prepared.'
I've been holding on this for a long time.
I tried and still am trying to live my life with sincerity with full of my heart although I get hurt countless time being myself without disguise.
My mom used to be worried about me, being too much of me.
When I was happy, I couldn't hold the excitement and had to yell or shout of joy.
When I was sad, I was the first one who dropped the tears among others.
When I was angry, my face was getting red and an invisible steam fumed out from my head.
My mom didn't want her little girl get hurt riding emotional roller coaster. She knew it was tough road.
After all, when my heart got hurt, my mom's heart must be torn out.
My heart has been hurt badly throughout my childhood, youth, and in recent date. I should have sealed it long time ago. I should have put barricade around my heart so that no one could ever damage on it.
However, I wanted to be prepared as I am for upcoming opportunities. I needed to stand still as I've got bruised heart. It may have hundreds of scars, thousands of nails hammered but it is still warm and it beats strongly since ever.
Yes, it took me long time to realize why I am here, but I wouldn't trade anything what I've been through until I get this point.
The good times, bad ones DID turn around in the end. Looking back my past, it proves that there is a light at the end of tunnel. And the bright sunlight dims eventually and we need to prepare a candle light for a darkness.
The way I see the people, the world, the life is very different than before.
I believe the only thing I can prove myself to others is being honest, being real without fabrication, by revealing my heart with words and action. I believe a true heart opens the others' closed heart.
Hypocrisy is the easy way to conceal weakness. If the one's words and his/her action doesn't match, I don't consider s/he is genuine. I consider they've been camouflaged NOT to get hurt from others.
If one's heart and one's words come out differently, which do I have to choose to believe?
I've been training my eyes to see the differences from people to people. As an observer, I examined their words, attitude and decision process and final actions. When one's word comes out easily, s/he is more likely making mistakes. Words are very easy to spit out but hard to gather up. I've learned very important lessons looking at others by observing their mistakes and my own. They were my teachers in the end, teaching me what's to do and what's not to do. Sadly, they couldn't see what I see. Maybe they thought it's too late to fix the problems and just stick to what they've got because that's what they've worked on whole life. Who would've thrown their life work away even it's bad ones? Survival is the ultimate winning score anyway.
Change is the hardest thing to do. Including me, we believe we are doing our best all the time. When I try my best, what else I can improve?? It's already deadly hard to keep up with others in a competition.
But then, do we ask questions for ourselves that "doing our best" for what??
Why should we cutting down ourselves, why should we sacrifice our time, our money, our life?? What for?
Working hard but hardly working. I thought it was funny phrase at first but it's getting make sense by time goes. It's ALREADY tough to continue live on in this competitive world, and where is the answer?
I see the only plausible answer is to be changed.
We need to be broken and damaged thousands times in order to find answer. We need to get hurt millions times in order to understand what other's going through. We can't escape from making mistakes but we need to learn not to make same mistakes. We need to change our old perspective to see the same thing, because changing glasses help us to see better. We need breeze of fresh air. And maybe..maybe we will understand.
