Monday, December 27, 2010

My story - Reflection

 There is a saying that 'the opportunity comes to whom has been prepared.'

 I've been holding on this for a long time.
I tried and still am trying to live my life with sincerity with full of my heart although I get hurt countless time being myself without disguise.

 My mom used to be worried about me, being too much of me.
When I was happy, I couldn't hold the excitement and had to yell or shout of joy. 
When I was sad, I was the first one who dropped the tears among others. 
When I was angry, my face was getting red and an invisible steam fumed out from my head.
My mom didn't want her little girl get hurt riding emotional roller coaster. She knew it was tough road.
After all, when my heart got hurt, my mom's heart must be torn out.  

 My heart has been hurt badly throughout my childhood, youth, and in recent date. I should have sealed it long time ago. I should have put barricade around my heart so that no one could ever damage on it.
However, I wanted to be prepared as I am for upcoming opportunities. I needed to stand still as I've got bruised heart. It may have hundreds of scars, thousands of nails hammered but it is still warm and it beats strongly since ever.
 Yes, it took me long time to realize why I am here, but I wouldn't trade anything what I've been through until I get this point.
The good times, bad ones DID turn around in the end. Looking back my past, it proves that there is a light at the end of tunnel. And the bright sunlight dims eventually and we need to prepare a candle light for a darkness.
The way I see the people, the world, the life is very different than before.
I believe the only thing I can prove myself to others is being honest, being real without fabrication, by revealing my heart with words and action. I believe a true heart opens the others' closed heart.

 Hypocrisy is the easy way to conceal weakness. If the one's words and his/her action doesn't match, I don't consider s/he is genuine. I consider they've been camouflaged NOT to get hurt from others.
If one's heart and one's words come out differently, which do I have to choose to believe?

 I've been training my eyes to see the differences from people to people. As an observer, I examined their words, attitude and decision process and final actions. When one's word comes out easily, s/he is more likely making mistakes. Words are very easy to spit out but hard to gather up. I've learned very important lessons looking at others by observing their mistakes and my own. They were my teachers in the end, teaching me what's to do and what's not to do. Sadly, they couldn't see what I see. Maybe they thought it's too late to fix the problems and just stick to what they've got because that's what they've worked on whole life. Who would've thrown their life work away even it's bad ones? Survival is the ultimate winning score anyway.

 Change is the hardest thing to do. Including me, we believe we are doing our best all the time. When I try my best, what else I can improve?? It's already deadly hard to keep up with others in a competition.
But then, do we ask questions for ourselves that "doing our best" for what??
Why should we cutting down ourselves, why should we sacrifice our time, our money, our life?? What for?
Working hard but hardly working. I thought it was funny phrase at first but it's getting make sense by time goes. It's ALREADY tough to continue live on in this competitive world, and where is the answer?

 I see the only plausible answer is to be changed.
We need to be broken and damaged thousands times in order to find answer. We need to get hurt millions times in order to understand what other's going through. We can't escape from making mistakes but we need to learn not to make same mistakes. We need to change our old perspective to see the same thing, because changing glasses help us to see better. We need breeze of fresh air. And maybe..maybe we will understand.

No comments:

Post a Comment