Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My story - determination

Long time ago, 
I heard very strong statement- that I still can't forget at this point-, which was,
" Today, which you spent idly, was tomorrow for whom died yesterday and wished to live that much." 

Since this sentence had registered in my brain, I couldn't spend my day as I used to. 
Of course, there's no reason why I have to feel guilty about my day, my life compared with someone else's.
 'Sorry, your life is yours and my life is mine. Either someone is dead or not, it doesn't affect on my life.
  So we don't need to relate to each other.'

However, that didn't feel right to me. 
I needed to listen. 
I needed to connect the dots of my life and theirs, especially someone who had faced the end of their life and imagining what they would have done or wished to have done IF they had one more day.

I wasn't sure about me, what kind of things I would love to do before I die if I'm dying tomorrow.
Well, I was only 15 years old and what would've I known?
But one thing I made my heart firmly was 'I need to spend my day fruitfully.' 

This moment was very important in my life.
Whenever I felt shitty, whenever I felt terribly wrong,
no matter what situation is upon me, I still had my day. 
I still had choices that I could choose; either I enjoy or I suffer. 

There are countless moments that I hated my life.
I hated so bad about myself and I just couldn't see what I was doing.
It didn't matter any possible way, nobody cared who I was. So, logically, why should I care?
People decided who I was going to be, long before I was ready to take any decision.
They didn't even ask what I wanted to be, time was short, tick-tock!
This was what they used to say; Don't waste your time.
But then did they really care what was my time? How did they measure my time by their ruler? 
I was pushed way too much. It was unbearable pressure on a teenage girl.

My whole childhood and youth were designed by others. 
I don't know if anyone asked me if I like something or not. 
I guess my personal interest didn't really matter. 
If I say something, I was considered 'whining baby'.

I couldn't understand why I should have followed them; why I needed to take steps everyone had stepped on, why didn't they give me a time to realize who I was? 
Obviously, I was the only rebel who thought that way.
I asked way too much questions for them. Too much questions!!! Especially, useless questions on their opinion. 
 "Who do you think you are? Just follow what we are telling you to do! Wake up from daydreaming!"

They condemned me very bad. Oh, yes! So-called uncles and aunts -besides they are not even my own parents- gathered up and discussed of my future and made decisions that I should have made.  
I'm sure that they still think it was their role to guide me where I was supposed to go. 

(I'll come back to this part with my own memoir, but I have to tell you that I'm still angry and disappointed by what  happened back then, and I don't think I'll ever forget.) 

Time has passed. Many years passed. 
I've reached somewhere that I never thought I would be now. 
I've heard many of their stories over the seas. 
I've watched their decline. 
I've observed how people can be corrupted by their own blindness. 
To me, success is Not to show others.
Success of life is Not earning lots of money, Not gaining fame.
It's when we die, the moment when we close our eyes,
can we say, ' It was good life.'? 
Can we smile looking back of our life?

I still have a choice; enjoy or suffer.
If I have to suffer for good consequences, then I'll take it.
If I believe that's the only way to survive then I'll suffer gladly, just like Prometheus. 

I'm just little human being, but I believe there are reasons why I'm born in this world.
I am born and I'm dying. I'm going to be old, sick and in the end I'm gonna die. 
This is ultimate rule that I can't change. 
The more I try to deny it, the worse I become. 
I'd better face it and admit it - I'm dying.
However, I am not dead yet, I still have chances to live.
That's my choice-  I'm gonna choose how I'm going to live. 

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