Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mom's diary - 12.20. 2010

If anyone who asks me right now, "Do you love yourself?"
I will say, "NO!!! I hate myself! I wish someone could fix my problem NOW!!"

I just hate myself today. 
I hate when everything goes wrong. Not even! I hate when I don't know what I should do.
I tried not to vent on my writing whenever I got over loaded hatred. 

I just don't know what I am doing now.
I don't know what I am speaking now.
My English is terrible.
I tried to say something and I got lost and I speak Korean and you say, "What does it mean??" with frustration. 
I just don't know why I even bother to open my mouth to communicate.  

I took a nap and hoping you would join me. Especially you got a cold and you've been saying you don't feel good.
It turned out I took 2 hours of nap and you watched 'Strawberry shortcake' through whole time. 
This 3-year-old girl knows already how to operate Netflix system and start over again and again. 
When I woke up, I realized this wasn't what I expected. 

Ok, that didn't bother me. 
What made me crazy and hate myself was when I woke up, I didn't feel like doing anything.
I felt like S H I T!!!!
I took long nap and I was supposed to be refreshed. I was supposed to be a new person.
It turned out quite on the contrary. 

The first thing I did; I was screaming in my head, and I was yelling for SOS. 
' MOM!!! Mom...Mom... I need my mom."
Stupidly I believed if my mom's here, she would solve all the problems I had.
(Silly me.) 

One second later of self- pity complaining like a baby, I spilled the apple juice in your cup.
I couldn't even scold you because it wasn't your fault.
I was careless.
I was the one who made me crazy. 
I was the one who should be in timeout. 

While I was cleaning and mopping the kitchen floor, I had serious conversation within myself.
'You need to change your mind. You are destroying your day. You also destroy your daughter's day. She doesn't deserve your shitty attitude. After all, you're her mom.'
And I saw your face. You've been looking at me. 

'I'm sorry... Sometimes I don't know why I am like this.'

I really don't want to be a monster mom who can't control her stupid mood.
I don't know how to help myself but writing about. 
So here I am.
I'm writing my diary, regretting being a child-like mom.

I hope you understand one day, being a mom is the hardest thing I ever dreamed of.
I can't even act whatever I feel like so, because you're watching me all the time.
You observe me with your crystal clear eyes.
Your ears are always open toward me, sometimes I feel like you're recording whatever I say.  
How can I ignore you? I can't. 
You are my mirror and you reflect me even the ugliest face of all. 

My daughter,
this is from bottom of my heart. 
I don't like faking. 
I want you to read this when you are old enough to understand this.
As you know and as I know, I had a bad day.
But I still think of you and try to be a better person, for you. 
I love you.

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