Saturday, July 30, 2011

Silent ranting

   I know what I wanna say but I still don't know how to say it. So this is how it goes. I don't care what you would think of me. I've decided keeping it real as much as I can, as long as I breathe.

   I hate hypocricy, I hate immaturity. I hate your arrogance and ignorance. Age doesn't gurantee your wisdom, so don't tell me you know better because your have more experience. Obviously you haven't gone through what I'm going through. So don't even start the conversation if you want to lecture me. I'm a student of my life as well as your are a student of your life. You and I have different classes with different subject matters. You had an advantage of your life, it doesn't mean you were better than others. Why don't you reveal your real face? Stop changing your masks. The truth will come out eventually.

   Stop pretending that you are nice. You might argue that it's better than hurting others. But you might miss seeing your fake kindness makes other people sick. Why don't you keeping consistent attitude within and without, in your home and outside of home. Some people like me gets really confused by your irregular action.

   Stop pretending you care about others. If you really care about people around you, you wouldn't choose to listen what you wanna hear from them. If you want to listen the truth, don't even make me start to talk. You wouldn't be pleased by my words.

   At last, you have no right to make me anxious. Don't put yourself higher position in our conversation. You are not better than me and I'm not less than you. Your subtle jugmental attitude against me stinks. And, I'm really sorry to feel this way because I really liked you before. If I didn't have these good emotions earlier I wouldn't feel this much disappointed. Yes, I'm very disappointed.

   "What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." --Albert pike

   Take this and think about it!


Friday, July 29, 2011

Wiping the floor

   I hate doing it but my hands already reached for the babywipe.
   Started rubbing, scrubbing on the wooden kitchen floor,
   Sticky, gooey, apple juice stain and unidentifiable substance.

   I thought I cleaned up ten minutes ago.
   What the hell is this?
   Mumbling, grumbling, my mouth full of complaining.
   Will I ever finish cleaning?
   Will I ever be liberated from boring, energy consuming manual labor?  
   What's the point of wiping the floor in every ten minutes? It's gonna be messy anyway.
   Why can't I just let it be, let it go?

   Self-questioning again and again,
   Unnecessary self-tormenting couldn't be resisted.
   Looping conversations inside of me,
   Still couldn't stop rubbing and scrubbing.

   Ok, that's it! I shout out.
   I fling the brown and grey and black filthy cloth into the trash can.
   And I swear, I'm done wiping the floor!

   .     .     .     .     .

   But I know I'll wipe the floor ten minutes later once again...

   Because at the end of the day,
   I'll look at the shiny, glossy kitchen floor,
   I'll gently glide my feet and feel the cleaness on my sole,
   Then, I'll feel good... and happy.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

A Quote

   "Once you accept your own death all of a sudden you’re free to live. You no longer care about your reputation. You no longer care except so far as your life can be used tactically -- to promote a cause you believe in." 

                                                                                         --Saul Alinsky 

   "I've never understood why people consider youth a time of freedom and Joy. It's probably because they have forgotten their own." 

                                                                                   --Margaret Atwood 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Emotional Hangover

   Tried to forget but I can't
   Feeling angry, feeling sorry, feeling all alone.
   Wished it didn't happen, but it did.

   Told myself, I need to control, I shouldn't lose myself.
   But I reached my limit, and there was an emotional explosion.
   A dynamite in a wrong place.

   I know I will be forgiven
   Once again, I'll be loved.

   But somehow the feeling of guilt resides deeply in me.
   Don't want to carry it, I want to let it go.
   Farther I throw away, but it's always coming back just like a boomerang.

   Would time solve my emotional hangover?
   I really hope so.
   Life is already complicated without feeling of guilt.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Mental power - this is the key

   My mood is like riding a roller coaster all day, every day. If I just let it be, I'll act like a crazy woman on the street and I might end up being in a psychotic ward. The key is I put a lot of effort to balance on my mood and to release mental stress so that I don't lose control.

   Since I was young, I was told that we need to control our mind. The mind exercise was encouraged at home, openly discussed in a media, forced to practice in a school. I can also compare the mind exercise as a physical training. The more we use our muscle, our body gets stronger and flexible. And its same way our mind can be exercised with few mental training inside our brain. 

   There are hundred of battles in my mind every day. It starts usually from the moment I open my eyes.
   Should I stay a little longer in the bed? No, I slept enough, it's time to get up. No, no, no. I need more rest. No, SL needs her breakfast and she needs to go potty, etc.
   This is only one sequence of the battle. I can't record every little details but it's almost same repertory. During this mind battle going on in my head, I try not to lose my ego. I also try to stay alert so that I can be aware of everything around me. It sounds simple and boring but I've experienced it's the hardest thing to do - to be alert and attentive.

   Today, I had so many moments that I could say 'leave me alone'. But I had to face the reality. I couldn't be alone. My stalker, my daughter followed me everywhere- even when I was in a privacy in the toilet - she would make a web with her whole body in front of the bathroom door.
   I screamed in my head, will I ever get any break? Can I just sit down and do nothing for 5 minutes? I want to get out!!
   But soon later, I realize what is my priority. After all, I'm a mom and she is my responsibility. No matter how I feel, the bottom line of my desire is that I want to be a good mom. And, I repeat a sentence again and again - I want to be a good mom, and I will be a good mom and I AM a good mom. It becomes a self therapy.
   Surprisingly my inner arguments disappeared as if the ice was melted under the warm sun. Then, I know I win the battle. These constant challenges in my mind need a way out. And I believe the practicing mind control and reinforcing mental power would be the key.


Saturday, July 9, 2011

정말 그런걸까?

   난 정말 욕심이 많은 걸까? 요 몇일 문뜩 그 질문이 자주 떠오른다. 욕심이 많든 적든 그게 무슨상관이야, 하면서 생각을 접고자 하지만 접어뒀던 그 생각이 자꾸 머리속에 펼쳐진다.

   욕심이라는 단어를 들었을때 첫번째 느껴지는 느낌은 부정적이다. 왠지 필요이상을 바라는 것 같고, 남의 것을 빼앗는 다는 전제가 들어가 있는 것 같기도 하고.. 허나, 이 두개의 기준으로 봤을때 난 절대 내가 필요한 것 이상을 바란적도 없고, 남의 것을 빼앗으려고 애쓴 적도 없기에 내가 말하고자 하는 욕심은 절대 부정적인 것이 아님은 확실하다.

   그럼 내가 필요한 것은 무엇인가? 또 곰곰히 생각에 잠긴다. 난 매 순간순간 내게 있어서 중요한 것이 무엇인지 자각하려고 노력한다.
   내가 오늘 아침에 일어난 이유는 무엇일까? 내가 밥을 먹는 이유는 무엇인가? 내게 주어진 임무는 무엇인가? 오늘 밤 잠자리 들기전에 나는 나의 하루에 대해서 자신있게 웃으며 '그래, 오늘 하루는 정말 알차고 보람있었어!' 하며 잠들 수 있을 것인가?

   난 삶의 원동력은 마음가짐에서 나온다고 굳건히 믿고 있고, 또 그렇게 실천해 왔고, 하루하루 그런 마음가짐으로 살아가고있다. 나의 인생은 항상 현재 진행형이다. 과거에 연연하지 않으려고 마음을 다잡고 또 다잡는다. 과거는 내가 어떻게 돌이킬 수 있는 일들이 아니기에... 하지만 그 과거 속에서 깨달은 교훈들을 까막히 잊고 지낸다면 나의 미래에 그와 비슷한 일이 생길 가능성도 또한 크다. 세상에, 아니 내 주위만 봐도 널리고 널린 것이 교훈들이다. 여기서 중요한 핵심은 내게 그 교훈들을 보는 눈이 있느냐와 없느냐의 차이.

   나이가 많은 이들은  나이가 어린 이들보다는 인생경험은 풍부하겠지만, 내가 항상 가지고 있는 질문에 대한 해답은 나이가 많고 적고의 개념에서 찾을 수가 없다. 나이를 지긋하게 잡수신 분들의 언행을 볼 때, 가끔씩 그들의 나이를 의심하게 되기 때문에.
   어른들에 대한 존경이 그 무엇보다도 중요하는 유교사상이 뿌리깊게 자리잡힌 대한민국에서 태어났고, 자라난 나에게 있어서 어른들의 말씀에 꼬투리를 물거나, 잦은 질물을 하거나, 그 들이 하는 말이나 행동에 반대 의견을 내는 것은 불굴의 용기가 없이는 힘든 일이었다.
   어렸을때부터 내 머릿속에 자리잡힌 그 중요한 질문 - 왜 어르신들을 무조건 존경해야 하나요? 인간의 됨됨이가 어쨋든, 나이가 느긋하게 드시면 자연스럽게 지식과 지혜와 품격이 저절로 자리 잡히나요?

   세월의 겹을 많이 접었다는 것이 그다지 자랑은 아닌데, 한국 사회에서는 나이가 많은 이들은 적은 이들을 사람 인격이나 인품을 알기도 전에 자신들 아래에 두는 것이 일반화 되어 있다.
   난 개인적으로 수직적 인간관계에 질색이 난다. 남에게 존경과 존중을 바란다면 그들 자신 자체가 존경과 존중받을 행동과 말을 해야 하는 것이 당연하지 않나? 어떻게 존경심을 너무나도 쉽게 바라는 것일까? 돈이 그들의 가치를 매기나? 명예가 그들의 가치를 매기나? 인맥이 그들의 삶을 평가하나? 대체 사람들은 무엇을 바라보며 자신들의 소중한 인생을 저울질 하나?

   내 머릿속엔 너무나도 무거운 질문들이 자리잡고 있다. 그 질문들은 쉽게 해결답안을 받을 것 같지는 않다. 이 질문들은 내가 평생 지니고 살아야 할 것인지도 모른다. 어디 문구에선가 이렇게 말했다.
   '한 사람을 평가할때, 그 사람이 어떤 대답을 주느냐 보다, 어떤 질문을 하느냐에 더 집중을 하라.'
   난 성급한 대답을 원하지 않는다. 일시적인 회피적인 대답을 바라지도 않는다. 난 진정한 대답을 기다리고 또 기다린다. 설사, 그 대답이 내 자신에게서 나올지라도...

Friday, July 8, 2011

Let it rain, let it rain

   Don't stop, summer rain. 
   I love your smell, your sound, your touch.
   Pour it all over the world, and cleanse the dust and dirt. 

   Your loud voice, strong water streaming.
   I wanna dance on your rhythm.
   Don't stop now.

   Bring louder thunder with you.
   Please invite the flashy lightening, too.
   I love your intensity, your passion and power.

   Please let me feel you more.
   Let me hear you, let me dream of you.
   Don't stop now, you are my inspiration of the night.

Friday, July 1, 2011

In a merry-go-round.

   Sitting in a merry-go-round - fancy, colorful, extravagant designed ride.
   Being excited - I've waited so long to ride and I know I will enjoy it.

   The machine moves slowly, the excitement grows eagerly.
   I show the biggest smile and I see waving hands over the fence.

   One turn, two turn, getting faster and faster.
   My smile fades out - I don't know if this is supposed to be - feeling dizzy, feeling sick.

   I try to focus, try to stare one spot;
   but it's useless. I can't see a thing.

   Sooner I found out myself riding a merry-go-round.
   I should be merry, I should scream of joy, because I paid for it.

   But somehow I can't tell if this was what I asked for.
   I wish it would stop, and letting me find where I am.

   I close my eyes. I don't want to see things anymore.
   Good thing I'm wise enough not to jump from this fast twirling ride, but what else can I do?

   My inner voice tells me quietly;
   Try to find a center point in your mind. Try to enjoy the feeling of where you are.

   I listen to it and follow as it guides me.
   I hear loud yelling next to, this machine would less likely stop sooner -
   I found myself it's challenging to concentrate, in this mood in this speed.

   With deep breath, I try once more. I try to find a tranquility under the closed eyes.
   And slowly I feel the sensation of high velocity and I'm not dizzy or sick.
   I curl my back and cling to the horse and lean my upper body.
   A timid smile rose up, now I can say I'm enjoying this ride. Yes, I do.