My mood is like riding a roller coaster all day, every day. If I just let it be, I'll act like a crazy woman on the street and I might end up being in a psychotic ward. The key is I put a lot of effort to balance on my mood and to release mental stress so that I don't lose control.
Since I was young, I was told that we need to control our mind. The mind exercise was encouraged at home, openly discussed in a media, forced to practice in a school. I can also compare the mind exercise as a physical training. The more we use our muscle, our body gets stronger and flexible. And its same way our mind can be exercised with few mental training inside our brain.
There are hundred of battles in my mind every day. It starts usually from the moment I open my eyes.
Should I stay a little longer in the bed? No, I slept enough, it's time to get up. No, no, no. I need more rest. No, SL needs her breakfast and she needs to go potty, etc.
This is only one sequence of the battle. I can't record every little details but it's almost same repertory. During this mind battle going on in my head, I try not to lose my ego. I also try to stay alert so that I can be aware of everything around me. It sounds simple and boring but I've experienced it's the hardest thing to do - to be alert and attentive.
Today, I had so many moments that I could say 'leave me alone'. But I had to face the reality. I couldn't be alone. My stalker, my daughter followed me everywhere- even when I was in a privacy in the toilet - she would make a web with her whole body in front of the bathroom door.
I screamed in my head, will I ever get any break? Can I just sit down and do nothing for 5 minutes? I want to get out!!
But soon later, I realize what is my priority. After all, I'm a mom and she is my responsibility. No matter how I feel, the bottom line of my desire is that I want to be a good mom. And, I repeat a sentence again and again - I want to be a good mom, and I will be a good mom and I AM a good mom. It becomes a self therapy.
Surprisingly my inner arguments disappeared as if the ice was melted under the warm sun. Then, I know I win the battle. These constant challenges in my mind need a way out. And I believe the practicing mind control and reinforcing mental power would be the key.