I'm thinking of the word; Spirit, Soul, Mentality, Inner Strength...
I've been always interested in meeting people. I've heard a quote long time ago; a human is a small universe. Whenever I meet people, I'm thinking what's going on in this small universe. I was curious and still I am.
In my culture, we -as a young one- weren't supposed to look at grown-up's eyes straight. We were told looking at the chin or neck of the adult if we wanted to be polite, not on the eyes. Many years of input by parents, school and society, we became naturally not to look at other's eyes straight.
However, my eyes were sneaky. I needed to look at something else instead of what being told. As long as I gave the impression of listening to the authority, I had a freedom to explore. It's kind of similar idea that once our homework is done, we have time to play.
I used to look at small things of the people and I tried to find its meanings to them. Whenever I caught the habitual items, then I could relax and felt comfortable to deal with whoever the scary authorities are.
The feeling of anxiety settled in me early in my life. I hated it more than anything. And most of time, these feelings came from people who told me what to do. Not only parents but also a school, a church, the big institution of society seemed to tell, " if you don't obey, then you will get punished. And you will suffer from it."
Why didn't they think we are a person, not a cattle? Why didn't they consider we have feelings?
Why didn't they think we are different individuals, not a pack of sticks?
Why did they have to scare us, not to love us?
Why did they have to rush to raise us, not letting us to have a moment to grow up by ourselves?
I wanted to feel cared, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to be someone special to someone, not to many, but just to one. Now, I believe my parents must have loved me more than anyone in the world, however I didn't feel it while growing up. All my life I felt being pushed aside, which made me upset for a long time, and these feeling can't be disappeared easily.
Few years ago, I became a mom, my little girl has shown me so many different levels of life, and I've learned a lesson which is being patient is the hardest thing to do. Does it mean that everyone in my child life didn't have much patience? Is this why they had pushed me such way?
I don't know, but I need to figure it out. It's hard to revisit of the past, especially when it was such a mess.
But I also believe there must have been a wonderful thing, which made me go through to lead this life.
At this precise moment, my eyes are still searching for something. My wondrous soul is less likely to settle down. But I do have a hope. I believe this hungry soul will be calm and find a peace.