Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Mom's diary - 5. 3. 2011 / "I was looking for you, mom."

   This is a story from this Monday, May 1st, 2011. On our way to Chicago from Springfield , we traveled via Amtrak. Inconveniently, the train didn't depart from Springfield station, we had to ride a bus for an hour to Bloomington, Normal, where we were supposed to get on the train. As we both know, I'm not a morning person. From the moment I heard the alarm ringing at 5:45 a.m, I didn't know exactly what was happening to me. Of course, I managed to wake up, brush my teeth and get us dressed.

   Our fantastic weekend at Springfield with Stacey, Addy, Joey and dude was about to enter the world of history. I will write another set of essay concerning my journey to Springfield; it was rather a surreal and spiritual one, so I don't think it matches with this story, which I'm about to write.

   When we got on the train after three hours passed being woken up, I was still dozy and drowsy. I was absolutely out of alert mode, I guess.
   You asked, "Mom, can I have some snack?"
   "Sure, honey." I yawned while pulling out the animal cracker in a zip lock. Also, I didn't forget to pull out a  Capri sun juice in case you were thirsty.
   "Sou Lynn, mommy needs to go potty. Do you wanna follow me or stay here and wait for me?"
   You were already in the middle of munching mode, apparently didn't seem to bother to join the train restroom.
   "Mom, I will wait here."
   I must not have thought deeply, I answered and somehow believed, "ok, mommy will be back in a minute."

   I was absolutely sure you wouldn't be snatched by some kind of kidnapper. I mean we were in the moving train, and the next stop wouldn't be within five minutes. I was sure nothing serious would happen to you while I was gone to potty.

   Few minutes had passed, when I opened the restroom door, a woman sitting by spoke loudly.
   "There was a girl with an animal cracker passed the other side of train!"

   "WHAT?" I ran to our seat, and you weren't there. My heart dropped thousand miles down below.
   This can't be real, this can't happen to me, this can't , this CAN'T!!!! 

   I ran as fast as I could, people peeked their faces and told me,
   "The girl with the animal cracker in her hand went that way, and she followed a woman."

   I couldn't believe what I just heard. I just couldn't believe this was really happening to me. It wasn't a drama or movie. I could picture of you and a woman holding a hand and walk away and disappeared. I was still running, and running. I bumped people, and I didn't care.
   I need to find my girl, I will find you, mommy's coming now, wait for me. 

    I already passed two couches and entered third one, and still I couldn't find you. I couldn't see anything, my eyes were desperately looking for a girl in your height. My heart was thumping, flinching, seemed to pop out.
   Where is my girl? Where is she? Where is my Sou Lynn? Where are you? 

   My eyes started to fill the tears. I couldn't believe what's happening now.
   This is my fault, this is my fault, this is my fault. I will not forgive myself if anything happens to her. I will not live my life. I can't lose her. 

   My legs still running fast, my eyes still looking for my baby girl, and my desperate soul entered the last couch. There, my girl was standing in the middle of isle, wandering, still holding the animal cracker zip lock in her hand. This was a snack couch, there were only few people sitting in the bench table, drinking beers. I didn't look around, at that moment.
   I ran to you, and held tightly in my arm. "Sou Lynn! What are you doing here?"
   I grabbed your little hand and turned around. I really didn't need people's attention. I didn't care about them but I also didn't want to be the center of the drama.  It was strange, walking back to our seat. Before I found you, it seemed being forever to reach the end of the train, now it was only a short distance.
   I was still mad. I didn't know exactly what made me mad but at that point, all I knew was coming back to seat and calming down.

   "Sou Lynn, did anybody come and talk to you helping to find a mommy?" This was the first sentence coming out from my mouth when we got back on our seat.  

[To be continued]

   It's getting late to continue to write and I need to wake up early for the daily routine. But this story is important to continue writing because it was a "one hell of lesson" in my life. 

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