Show-window

One step, two step, walking on Roscoe st., my footsteps aren't so cheerful. I turned my head and paused walking, gazed the reflection on show-window.

Is this me? Do I look like this? Am I happy the way I am? Why do I look so concerned? Why do I carry so much burden? Why can't I be like anybody else, shrugging their shoulders, acting cool, speaking out loud 'whatever'?

Whatever.. Whatever.. Whatever.. I pretend, but it doesn't make feel any better. In fact, it makes it worse. It doesn't solve any problem, any concern. I can't just be cool with everything. Maybe I tackle too many things, maybe I take things way too seriously. Will I ever rest my mind?

Official Invitation of Criticism

   I think this way, I dress up this way, I talk this way and I live my life this way. What do you know about me anyway? The way you see me doesn't mean that's the truth of me. What you see is just a little particle of my whole universe. The sarcastic attitude and your twisted judgement only makes me laugh.

   How funny! But I still write about who I am. I keep inviting people to criticize me. I write a non-fiction, I write a diary on my blog, my writing is full of my own experience, the opinion and my immature understanding. I once encountered the person laughed straight at my face, "so, you are writing a memoir and your are only 30? You are a baby!"

   First I was offended, but then I could use this anger to good direction of my writing. It might sound like the counter-attack in different way, but he obviously didn't understand how this writing was important to me. If I get the second chance to talk to him, I know what I would do. I will show this mysterious smile and answer back, "every experiences count, you will see."

   Back to my sanity, I start to think.  I ask numerous questions to myself. Is this the right way to write a story? Just to prove someone else who made a sarcastic comment? Should I write a story to target a single person? or a group of haters? Then, where is the dignity on my doing? How much am I willing to take it? How much am I confident to stand against them? How strong am I? That will be the core question I need to ask to myself. Confidence will be the answer.

Janus's face

   Didn't I watch enough people's arrogance, and their hypocrisy? Didn't I hear enough their brutality? Their two side faces often make me sick, and leaves me incurable bitterness. When did I start to observe their  Janus's face? Their exuberant greetings and lively conversations, their hurtful words and gossips behind the back; are these something new? I don't think so. Such things are universal, and they grow up with us either we like it or not. Yes, I changed the first pronoun from "they" to "we", which indicates I'm also one of them. After all, I'm living in this world and I see things certain way I want to see, I reflect things through my own eyes. Sometimes my own criticism about others make me sick too. I feel disgusted myself.

   I dance with them, I sing with them, and I confuse myself of being the worst Janus in the world. Scared, stunned, I stop dancing and singing. I step back and retreat from them. I sit in the corner and observe them. I don't want to be like them. I want to find the truth in myself, either I like it or not. There must be something doesn't change in this world. What would that be?