Saturday, February 5, 2011

Middle check - Am I going right direction?

The truth is I've been stressed out from my own resolution of this year, which was writing everyday as much as possible.
I wanted to stick to what I have decided in my mind. However, it brought very low result and frankly, I lost whole motivation of doing it.
 The area of creational work is very difficult to keep the same level of enthusiasm. But then what else NOT??  
I've been thinking about "what the hell I'm doing now?" and the purpose of my life. As far as I'm concerned I've been asking this question since I was 13.  And, I believed when I grow up I would find the answer. Unfortunately, I'm still looking for that answer,but I am determined to find it. However, to realize and accept the facts - which are I need to be extremely patient and there's no one else can do this except myself  - drains my energy. It's such a long, tedious, lonely road. 
 Would it be worth to keep asking? Would there be any reward of my effort? How can I be sure that there is such a thing?
 Spending gray and gloomy days after days, weeks after weeks, I finally realized it doesn't help me to dwell in the darkness. Without motivation to wake up, I felt that I was just dying, NOT living. Sleeping was just one way of spending endless day. 

 Few days ago, I came to a conclusion that I am a person who needs strong motivation of life and purpose of action. Once I'm fully charged with it, I'm an enlighted person who can break any limit. If this motivation is created by others - not from my heart - then unfortunately it fades out. So it's critical that I need to be autonomous and take responsibility on my own. When I'm in charge of my life, I feel merry and happy. Because I'm the owner of my life, not others.

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