책상에 앉아서...

자정이 넘었다.
이렇게 책상에 앉아서 글을 읽고, 글을 쓴지도 정말 오랫만이다.
그 옛날, 학창시절엔 진저리나도록 신물이 나는 책상과 의자에서 벗어나고 싶었는데, 세월이 흐르고 인생의 맛을 어느정도 느낀 뒤라 그런지 기분이 정말 새롭다.

글을 쓴다고 남들한테 말하는 것조차 아직은 낯설게 느껴지는 것이 사실이다.
나에게 있어서 글을 쓴다는 것은 내 자신과의 대화를 하는 기회를 갖는 것이다. 생각이 복잡할때마다 글 한 자씩 써내려가면 엉켜있던 머릿속의 생각들이 가지런하게 정리되는 기분이였다. 그래서 항상 마음이 혼란스러울때마다 가까이에 있는 종이조각에다가 글을 써내려갔고, 그렇게 글을 여기저기 집안 곳곳 - 부엌 한 구석에 장보러 갈 때 쓰는 종이에다가 적혀있는 글,  침대 머리맡에 놓여있는 3년묵은 오래된 노트장, 거실 한 쪽에 놓인 서랍장 바닥에 놓여있던 5년 묵은 일기장 -에  굴러다니던 노트들을 한 곳에 드디어 모아 놓고 보니 감회가 남 다르다.

신랑 자랑과, 자식 자랑은 팔불출이라는 말을 익히 들어서 잘 알고 있지만,  이 와 같은 상황에는 자랑을 할 만도 하다 싶다. 내가 본격적으로 글을 쓰고자 한 지 거의 6개월이 넘었다. 그 동안 작가클래스를 다니고, 페이스북에 글을 올리고, 블로그에다가 정기적으로 글을 쓰는 모습을 멀리서 지켜보던 우리 신랑이 나에게 넌지시 물어봤다.

 "자기 글쓰는데 불편하지 않게, 제대로 된 책상이랑 책장이 있으면 좋겠는데, 어떻게 생각해?"

사실, 조그만 랩탑 책상에 각도가 잘 맞지 않는 안락의자에 앉아서 글을 써왔던것은 사실이지만, 그 것에 불만을 가졌던 것은 아니었다. 어쩌면 참 다행인지도 모른다. 나에게 주어진 환경에 불만을 가지면 나 자신만 손해라는 지혜를 일찍히 터득했기 때문이다.

 "어..책상이 있으면 좋지만.. 근데, 자기 시간이 되겠어요?"

평소 신랑의 성격과 기질을 잘 파악하고 있는 나로선 별로 기대를 하지 않았던 것도 사실이다. 하지만, 나의 시큰둥한 반응과 정반대로 자신의 빡빡한 스케줄을 내팽겨놓고, 나에게 잘 맞을 것 같은 스타일의 책상과 책장을 직접 매장에 가서 보고, 사와서 그 날 저녁 2시간 반이라는 엄청난 시간을 투자하면서까지 나의 책상을 조립해 놓았던 것이다.

 "당신이 수린이와 나를 위해서 고생하고 노력하는 거 알아요. 그리고 피곤한 몸을 이끌고 책상에 앉아서 글을 쓰는 모습도 오랫동안 지켜 봐왔어. 당신은 이 모든 것을 누릴 자격이 돼요. 이 책상을 시작점으로 해서 당신의 작가의 길이 번창하길 빌어."

이 말을 듣고 난 뒤, 난 잠시 말을 잃었다. 방금 전에 들었던 말을 다시 떠올리며 꿈인지 생시인지 재확인한 뒤에 그의 얼굴을 쳐다 올려보았다.
 "고마워요..."
내 눈가엔 벌써 눈물이 고여있었고, 그 감동을 고이고이 간직하고자 다시한번 책상에 눈을 돌렸다.

나에게 있어서 항상, 물질과 물건은 의미가 같이 존재 해야만한다. 그래서 나에겐 굳이 비싼 물건들이 필요없다. 짠순이 기질은 어디를 가도 따라다니는 법인가보다. 난 쓸만하고 보기좋고 거기에다 싸기까지 한 물건이라면 어느누가 트집을 잡는다 해도 즐겁게 구매를 한다. 그리고 어느누가 입바른 말로 나를 구슬리려고 물건자랑을 해도 나에겐 그 반지르르한것들의 겉모습에 별다른 의미가 느껴지지 않는다.

지금 내게 있어서 이 책상과 책장은 그 물질 자체에서 벗어나 엄청난 의미가 존재한다. 첫째, 내 신랑의 무한한 협조와 격려, 둘째, 나에게 앞으로 펼져질 엄청난 가능성, 셋째, 나 자신이 또 다른 내 자신을 찾아가는 모험의 여정. 난 이 모든 것을 즐기고 감사해 한다. 오늘 밤도 즐겁게 웃으면서 잠자리에 들어 갈 수 있을 것 같다.

끊임없이 계속되는 인생길

이 글은 2008년 4월 01일에 작성된 글입니다.

현재, 저는 회고록(Memoir)을 쓰는 중이고, 이 때 적었던 글들을 다시 불러와 재작성하는 중이랍니다. 

주로, 영어로 글을 쓰고 있으며, 영어판으로 된 책을 올해 안에 출간하는 것이 제 목표랍니다. 

많은 관심과 협조 부탁드립니다! 

2011년 2월 19일

윤선희 올림

***

2003년 12월 2일..

인천에서 밴쿠버로..밴쿠버에서 몬트리올로 오는 비행기 안에서 설렘반 걱정반..

형용하지 못할 감정을 누르고 누르면서 '침착하자' '모든 것이 잘 될꺼야' 하며

스스로에게 최면을 걸었다.

그 순간 어느 무엇보다도 날 붕붕 뜨게 만들었던 감정은..

'썬!! 너 해냈구나!' 였다.

눈물날 정도로 기뻤던 그 순간..

그래! 내가 해냈어..

지난 1년간 주위에선 나보고 미쳤다고 했다.

실제로 얼굴도 보지 않은 사람을 만나러 간다고..

힘들게 한푼한푼 모아서..

정말.. 천원, 이천원이 아까워서 점심으로 매일 천원김밥으로 끼니를 때우고..

유치원 영어선생과 초등학교 특기적성 선생을 병행하면서

가끔 바쁜 스케줄을 강행해야할때는 부득이하게 택시를 타곤했는데..

택시의 미터기가 올라갈때마다  손이 부들부들 떨리면서 결국 2천원대가 넘어갈땐..

'아저씨! 여기서 내려주세요!' 

첨엔 그렇게 말하기가 부끄러웠다.. 뭐가 부끄러웠을까?

내가 돈이 없다는걸 티내는 것 같아서 였을까??

근데.. 정말 난 한푼이라도 모으고 또 모아야했다.

부모님께 부탁 할 수 있는 여건이 안 되었다. 가정형편이 많이 어려웠다..

그렇다고 내가 원하는 꿈을 접기도 싫었다.

친척들은 나보고 철없는, 지 밖에 모르는 철부지라고 싸잡아매면서 혀를 둘러댔다.

특히, 집안의 어르신은 정말.. 모질게도, 아니, 잔인할 정도로 이렇게 말했다..

'니가 그깟 돈 몇푼 모아서 외국에 나가겠다고?

유학이 어떤건지는 알고 있냐? 돈이 있어야 되는거야!

내가 아는 교수 딸들도 해외에서 유학하는데 그 교수가 다달이 얼마를 보내는지 알고 있냐?

꿈 깨고 현실이나 제대로 파악해라! 니가 집안의 첫 애인데 다른애들한테 모범을 보여야잖냐!

좋게 말할때 얌전히 따라와라!!

돈도 없는 주제에 무슨 유학을 가겠다고.. 허 참내..'

세월이 이렇게나 흘렀는데도.. 그날의 모욕은 잊을 수가 없다. 어떻게 그 날일을 잊겠는가...

나를 쳐다보던, 한결같이 나를 무능하고 철없고 소갈딱지없는 녀석이라고 쳐다보던 이들의 눈빛을..

그 중의 한명이라도..

'그래, 니가 정말 원하는 일이고 열심히 그걸 향해 간다면, 넌 해낼꺼야..!'

이런 대화는 영화에서나 존재하는 것이었겠지...

그 날의 나의 분노와 원망은 이를 악물고 일하면서 돈을 모으는데 원동력이 되었다.

하루에도 몇번씩 나는 속으로, 내 가슴속에다

'난 해낼꺼야..꼭 해내고 말겠어..' 새기고 또 새겼다..

'절대 그 들이 원하는 식으로 살지 않으리라,

난 절대 그 들이 바라는 바람직한 방향으로 가지 않으리라!! 

그들이 잣대로 재고 손가락으로 세고..

사람의 가치는 연봉의 액수과 비례한다는 그들의 속물 태도를 보면서..

난 절대 그들과 같이 살지 않으리라..' 다짐하고 또 다짐했다.

그러나 그 다짐과 독한 마음도 가끔씩 약해지곤했다..

왜냐면.. 정말.. 인정하긴 싫지만...

돈이 정말 필요한 세상이였다.. 꿈을 이루기 위해선 정말 돈이.. 그 모지랄 돈이 필요했다..

[to be continue]

2008.04.01

Curious Soul

Whenever I listen to my 3-year-old daughter, her story fascinates me.

Most of time, she ignores logic, common senses, and reality. Her nonstop solo-convesation starts from the moment she wakes up and it continues whole day until she goes to bed. Her imagination and mouth seem never to be tired. 

One of unfortunate part of parenting for me is that- although I know I'm blessed to stay with my precious child during the day - we barely have recess. Average 12 hours of sticking together as if we're one body, and one is totally dependent on the other but act like she's independent. One tries to remind herself constantly that her daughter is learning and having experiment through her in order to survive in this world. But whenever it reaches the limit of her patience, she loses her control. And one second later, her feeling of guilt sweeps her away into "failed..AGAIN". 

I've been holding myself through a perspective which as if I'm looking back from further future. I try my best to be cool, and relaxed during the day. But the more I try, the worse I feel and crumble down in the end. I've put myself into certain experiment that I try to let it be - both let her be and let me be - without any expectation and any controls what-so-ever. At first, being myself didn't even occur because I was carried away by letting her be herself. Her enormous power in 35 pounds of little body raced with speed of light while I was just starting my engine. This wasn't good match. From the beginning, I was the feeble and incompetent for pulling/pushing tug of war. 

However, I've noticed some dramatic changes in me whenever I have a little distance between me and her. I started to see our similarities in a positive way. Since she resembles me -although she doesn't look like me at all - I could picture myself as a little girl like her.

A girl with tons of questions; she wants to know why everything in the world works differently.

A girl who needs a direction and guidance to help her where she's supposed to go.

A girl who has enchanting spirits that are not easily polluted or destroyed.

A girl who is not afraid to say NO while others reluctantly say yes.

And, a girl who finally realized that there is nothing more important than keeping our life real and balanced of all. 

This emotional life

I am lost. 

I had a feeling that I couldn't stand on my own feet. If there was a dark cave, I would jump into it and stay there for awhile until I feel like coming out. 

I guess I wanted to hide from all. But why?? Why did I feel that way?? I don't know.

Sometimes it's really hard to recognize the emotions that I have. Out of the blue I feel extremely happy and one minute later I feel deep down blue. Isn't this called a Bipolar disorder?? Maybe.. or maybe not.

One thing I know is that I'm an extreme emotional person and sometimes I'm locked in certain feelings and hard to get out. 

Knowing this emotiona/mood swing, I just can't ignore it. Why? Why?? 

Why can't we just be logical living creature instead of emotional one? 

When a Tin woodman wanted to have a heart so badly in a story The Wizard of OZ, I knew it wouldn't be like what he wished for. Having heart made him suffer, he now then cried. He even mentioned that he never felt this kind of hurting before having a heart when he wished farewell to Dorothy.  

I've been warned thousand times from my own mother that I have to be dull on feeling. I've tried millions of times so that I don't get hurt, but it comes in vain. If I get older, if I interact less people, if I live more, then I might arrive the point that I don't feel anything. .... But...is this really what I want? I really don't know. This life is full of questions that I can't find answers.

My writing is oil painting.

To me, writing is an oil painting. 

I see the object on a beautifully arranged table with colorful flowers and crystal clear vase. It is surrounded by dramatic natural light which reveals smooth transition of light and shade. 

I love mixing with colors on a palette as much enjoying choosing words on a notebook. 

I love making strokes with brush on a canvas - it has indescribable power whenever I brush down, put more colors on top of each layer. Throughout learning oil painting, I realized at the beginning that it's very different with watercolor and oil painting. In oil painting, we put darker colors for the base and more we develop the image, the lightest and brightest color will be laid in the end. It is very opposite from watercolor painting. 

And I could easily relate to its process with our life, and in a way I felt extreme comfort when I had this epiphany. 

In the beginning of life, we don't know what we're supposed to do, we are driven by some kind of forces usually it's defined by outer sources - parents, school, academic institutions, society, the world. We come out from these various influences and by the time when we graduate the highest school we could enter - either by own's decision or parents' vacarious satisfaction - we are already defined by someone that are easily fitted into this society. Maybe it's a vain effort to ask questions during this time such as WHO AM I? WHAT AM I BORN TO? WHAT AM I GOOD AT?

Isn't it speedy global world that we need to exceed others than follow, well, in fact following is way better than leaving behind. Maybe we need to put our all effort into one thing without distraction! - SUCCESS! Success that everybody who know me can praise for, having expensive car, buying million dollar house, sending kids into the most expensive private school, buying all the top notch electronic gadget, what else?? 

Maybe that's what they call it " SUCCESS". 

In addition to this skepticism, this is what I heard the other day at the grocery while waiting for my turn at cash register. The guy in front of me was very cheerful, self-satisfied, outspoken man who could have whole conversation with total stranger. I couldn't escape but hearing his conversation with grocery clerk and his final killer sentence to the clerk as if he knew better than the others, " STOP LEARNING, START LIVING!" 

The last sentence has been lingering in my brain since then, and it doesn't seem to go away. What do you mean by Stop learning, start living? To me, the grocery clerk - obviously not more than 20 - who had sprakling eyes, nice manner, voice tone of self-assurance was just going through just one phase in order to reach better ground of his life. I couldn't tell everything about him with 2 minutes of glancing, but first impression from him was strong. He wouldn't stay as a grocery clerk for rest of his life. That was certain thing. 

But how come the middle aged guy would recommend him a so-called "life lesson" to a simple phrase which implies that "What you are doing now is wasting your time, and go out and live up for your life." How can he be so sure about what he just had said? I wondered and wondered.

It came to me very clear from many days of thinking that some people reflects their life to others without much consideration. It's always easy to be said but if he -we- could have few more minutes of thinking for others, he wouldn't spit out such thing. He would more likely said, keep up working and good luck on your study for your bright future. 

Closing my eyes and imagining my unfinished oil painting, I see all those unbalanced colors and rough brush strokes. It doesn't have much figurative image yet. But I see dedicated effort to keep trying to find its best work. I see its various attempt to try new techniques and skills that newly acquired. This might look like crazy abstract piece but I keep painting on it. And one day, in the future, I know I will gladly draw the lightest and brightest color to finalize my painting. 

Middle check - Am I going right direction?

The truth is I've been stressed out from my own resolution of this year, which was writing everyday as much as possible.

I wanted to stick to what I have decided in my mind. However, it brought very low result and frankly, I lost whole motivation of doing it.

 The area of creational work is very difficult to keep the same level of enthusiasm. But then what else NOT??  

I've been thinking about "what the hell I'm doing now?" and the purpose of my life. As far as I'm concerned I've been asking this question since I was 13.  And, I believed when I grow up I would find the answer. Unfortunately, I'm still looking for that answer,but I am determined to find it. However, to realize and accept the facts - which are I need to be extremely patient and there's no one else can do this except myself  - drains my energy. It's such a long, tedious, lonely road. 

 Would it be worth to keep asking? Would there be any reward of my effort? How can I be sure that there is such a thing?

 Spending gray and gloomy days after days, weeks after weeks, I finally realized it doesn't help me to dwell in the darkness. Without motivation to wake up, I felt that I was just dying, NOT living. Sleeping was just one way of spending endless day. 

 Few days ago, I came to a conclusion that I am a person who needs strong motivation of life and purpose of action. Once I'm fully charged with it, I'm an enlighted person who can break any limit. If this motivation is created by others - not from my heart - then unfortunately it fades out. So it's critical that I need to be autonomous and take responsibility on my own. When I'm in charge of my life, I feel merry and happy. Because I'm the owner of my life, not others.