A wife's poem

Being with you was once my dream.
We had cried over the phone because we had to be apart.

Living with you at the beginning was child's play.
Everything seemed red, orange and yellow under the sun light.

Growing with you as a husband and wife was faithful decision.
We promised we'll be together no matter what happens.

Becoming parents had given us bliss as much as suffering.
We had to grow fast to raise a vulnerable, little life.

After all these years we had spent together,
I'm still looking at your back over the kitchen counter.

I've seen your same silhouette over and over again.
You convinced me why you couldn't stay with family all the time.
You told me great things come from sacrifice, and you blindly followed what you believed in.
I promised I am not gonna hurt you even though I'm hurt.

I need to understand you more.
I need to be patient.
I need to be wise.
After all, I'm your wife.

Mom's diary - 12.27. 2010

We've been hibernating for few days and I needed to get hair cut badly so you and I went out for a date. Considering we had heavy snow for few days, it wasn't so bad driving the town. And I didn't have any problem parking on the street, there weren't many people waiting in the hair salon.
Everything seemed perfect until I heard your sniffing. At first I thought you were complaining for nothing and whining and got runny nose from cold wind. I kept reading magazine and I glanced your face quickly.

There, my heart dropped to 10 ft underneath seeing your tear drops under your eyes.
You were crying quietly. You were sobbing. While I was enjoying listening classical music coming from stereo, you had said, " I miss my daddy. I wanna go home." And I answered as if it was ridiculous to miss daddy because we've been staying all together for 4 days since he got vacation and we just got out from home. To me, it was nonsense. "Honey, we just got here and it won't take too long. Here! You can have Lollipop."

You were sucking a lollipop and sobbing with runny nose. I couldn't believe what I saw.
I had no idea what to do, and what to say. It was such a shock that you could cry without any physical pain or asking more attention. In my snap judgement, there weren't any reason to cry except this classical music.
So I asked, " Is this music making you cry? Does it make you sad?" And you answered with nodding, "Yes."

Your crying today wasn't regular one. I've been with you all the time since you were born and it was something totally different than anything like that. Your tears were coming out from your heart. You must have felt something strong in your heart, I guess that music reminded you a time with daddy and as a result you wanted to go home.
Now, I'm thinking back, you've shown quite different dance movement on different music. I also remembered you liked sad and dramatic songs played from Pandora. I guess you've been developing deeper emotions that various sound factors can actually move your heart. It was such a shock to me.

You sobbed throughout whole time while my hair's done and everybody in the salon were sad by your emotional  tears. To tell you the truth, your sobbing reminded me when I cry in the bathroom while water tap's on. Who would've thought 3 1/2 -year-old girl can cry like an adult??

Oh, my girl...
Does it mean that I have to be prepared for your emotion's journey??
What a coincident that last night I wrote about my emotion's roller coaster riding!!

All I know now is when you cry from your heart, my heart is torn out.
Now, I understand why my mom used to tell me, "Don't show your heart to everyone."
She meant if I reveal my emotions to everyone, I get easily target of attention and more chances to get hurt.
I believe no moms want their children get hurt. Nobody can hurt my child. Nobody.

I guess I have to get ready to teach you how to deal with these emotions now.
I guess that's how you grow up as a person and this is how I grow up as a mom.

My story - Reflection

 There is a saying that 'the opportunity comes to whom has been prepared.'

 I've been holding on this for a long time.
I tried and still am trying to live my life with sincerity with full of my heart although I get hurt countless time being myself without disguise.

 My mom used to be worried about me, being too much of me.

When I was happy, I couldn't hold the excitement and had to yell or shout of joy. 

When I was sad, I was the first one who dropped the tears among others. 

When I was angry, my face was getting red and an invisible steam fumed out from my head.

My mom didn't want her little girl get hurt riding emotional roller coaster. She knew it was tough road.

After all, when my heart got hurt, my mom's heart must be torn out.  

 My heart has been hurt badly throughout my childhood, youth, and in recent date. I should have sealed it long time ago. I should have put barricade around my heart so that no one could ever damage on it.
However, I wanted to be prepared as I am for upcoming opportunities. I needed to stand still as I've got bruised heart. It may have hundreds of scars, thousands of nails hammered but it is still warm and it beats strongly since ever.
 Yes, it took me long time to realize why I am here, but I wouldn't trade anything what I've been through until I get this point.
The good times, bad ones DID turn around in the end. Looking back my past, it proves that there is a light at the end of tunnel. And the bright sunlight dims eventually and we need to prepare a candle light for a darkness.
The way I see the people, the world, the life is very different than before.
I believe the only thing I can prove myself to others is being honest, being real without fabrication, by revealing my heart with words and action. I believe a true heart opens the others' closed heart.

 Hypocrisy is the easy way to conceal weakness. If the one's words and his/her action doesn't match, I don't consider s/he is genuine. I consider they've been camouflaged NOT to get hurt from others.
If one's heart and one's words come out differently, which do I have to choose to believe?

 I've been training my eyes to see the differences from people to people. As an observer, I examined their words, attitude and decision process and final actions. When one's word comes out easily, s/he is more likely making mistakes. Words are very easy to spit out but hard to gather up. I've learned very important lessons looking at others by observing their mistakes and my own. They were my teachers in the end, teaching me what's to do and what's not to do. Sadly, they couldn't see what I see. Maybe they thought it's too late to fix the problems and just stick to what they've got because that's what they've worked on whole life. Who would've thrown their life work away even it's bad ones? Survival is the ultimate winning score anyway.

 Change is the hardest thing to do. Including me, we believe we are doing our best all the time. When I try my best, what else I can improve?? It's already deadly hard to keep up with others in a competition.
But then, do we ask questions for ourselves that "doing our best" for what??
Why should we cutting down ourselves, why should we sacrifice our time, our money, our life?? What for?
Working hard but hardly working. I thought it was funny phrase at first but it's getting make sense by time goes. It's ALREADY tough to continue live on in this competitive world, and where is the answer?

 I see the only plausible answer is to be changed.
We need to be broken and damaged thousands times in order to find answer. We need to get hurt millions times in order to understand what other's going through. We can't escape from making mistakes but we need to learn not to make same mistakes. We need to change our old perspective to see the same thing, because changing glasses help us to see better. We need breeze of fresh air. And maybe..maybe we will understand.

Nella Fantasia

Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo giusto,
Lì tutti vivono in pace e in onestà.
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere,
Come le nuvole che volano,
Pien' d'umanità in fondo all'anima.

In my imagination I see a just world,
Everyone lives in peace and in honesty there.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like the clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.

Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo chiaro,
Lì anche la notte è meno oscura.
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere,
Come le nuvole che volano.

In my imagination I see a bright world,
Even the night is less dark there.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like clouds that fly.

Nella fantasia esiste un vento caldo,
Che soffia sulle città, come amico.
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere,
Come le nuvole che volano,
Pien' d'umanità in fondo all'anima.

In my imagination there exists a warm wind,
That breathes on the cities, like a friend.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.

Self portrait: Mom's diary - 12.23. 2010

Self portrait: Mom's diary - 12.23. 2010: " It's Christmas season. You knew it and I felt it at the shopping center this morning. Since your dad's vacation started today, we went..."

Mom's diary - 12.23. 2010

 It's Christmas season.
You knew it and I felt it at the shopping center this morning.
Since your dad's vacation started today, we went shopping all together.
We also expected lots of people would go shopping today, so we hurried as fast as we could.
Unfortunately, we couldn't escape from traffic. But have you noticed the interesting fact?
Your dad's reaction has been improved of dealing horrible traffic.
It was truly pleasant to see how your dad's mind can be changed on something we can't control.
I don't think you'd remember but your dad was one of millions people who couldn't stand at traffic, shouted at crazy drivers. Oh.. yes..He was. Big time. He was out of control whenever he faced lined up cars ahead of him. If I started to write the details, I wouldn't be able to share this with your dad. ;) So, I'll keep them between me and him.

 Now, I see different side of your dad.
I think he's understanding that there's no point of wasting his energy on something he can't control.
The idea is pretty simple but to adapt it in actual life can be challenging, which means you have to give up your old habit.
Changing old habit to new, fresh, somewhat ideal one is NOT easy.
Believe me. There are thousands of millions of people know what's right thing for them, but once their old habit settled in them, it's really, really , REALLY hard to change it.
'Knowing it' and 'doing it' are very different categories.
Learning knowledge is passive. But participating and doing in action is active process and you need to go through  lots of thinking process as well.

 Anyway, I was very proud of your dad, being a patient and pleasant driver in the middle of insanities.
After all these years, I can finally see what I wanted to see from him. :) I was very happy indeed.

 After dropping by 4 different places plus traffic , all 3 of us got exhausted. As usual, I regretted not having breakfast again. This is my old habit and I know I have to change it for the good consequences but still I hardly follow.
When I am hungry, I get easily tired and easily get frustrated and vent on simple thing. I've been through same thing thousands of times, so logically I should know better by now but somehow it's still challenging.
 'Why?? Why is it so hard to fix old habit and try new ones and stick to what I need??'

My daughter,
I just wanted to let you know that your mom is not perfect.
I make countless mistakes. Even worse, I repeat the same mistakes although I know it's wrong.
I don't know how can I change my old routine? my old ideas? my bitter attitude on specific things?

Knowledge.. is sometimes a piece of paper to me...
Getting more knowledge is not helping much to live better or happier.
To be a better person than 'Me in the yesterday' is tough.
It's tough..

My story - in 2002

[This story continues from Christmas gift from Korea.]

It was long way to make a decision to go studying abroad for half a year.  

I needed a change; change from my life routine.

I was chosen to a student head of English literature faculty in the beginning of 2001. As a result, I was extremely busy on social activities; arranging meeting, preparing group activities, festival, small seminar and so on. 

Literally, when I entered the gate of our University, I started to wave everywhere to say hello to acquaintances. 

One of my friend at that time told me that it's tiring to go out with me in the campus because half of time I spent on the road to say hello with people. 

It's funny how different life I have now thinking of those time. 

I was an extreme social person. My life revolved with plans with people. I barely could find myself in those time.

It usually started with cell phone ringing, friends asked me when I would come to class, and then lunch plan with other group of friends and afternoon class with group of friends and after-class drinking social meeting, which lasted past midnight. 

I maintained this kind of life over 6 months at the age of 20 and all of sudden I asked simple question to myself. 

  'What do I gain from these? What are these all for?'

Since this question resided in my head, I couldn't be a same entertaining person as I used to be.

I felt like I was a clown in a crazy show. 

I shared these questions with somewhat close friends at that time. Nobody! No one could understand me.

They even looked perplexed why I even question about what I do. 

I felt something was very wrong. I devoted my time and energy to so-called "friends" and they didn't even try to understand what I was going through. Yes, it wasn't visual for them, but to me, it was critical to find an answer. 

I started to go to library faithfully in September 2001. 

I tried to eat lunch by myself, I tried to go movie theater alone. 

I was sitting on a campus bench in between classes with cheap vending machine coffee.

I went to English conversation classes in the evening instead of joining drinking club. 

I started to read biographies and life essays enthusiastically. 

One day, "used-to-be" my dear friend came to me and asked why I don't get along with them anymore. 

I didn't need to give her a long answer. I answered, " I just need to finish this book." 

Strangely I felt good about myself. 'Yeah! This is what I want so respect me instead of gossiping me.' 

To tell you the truth, I didn't mind if they would chew me on every table they sit, stab my back with anyone they meet. 

I didn't care. 

I guess that was the beginning of my life experiment. 

An experiment of 'Solitary in a life' 

I never thought I could enjoy being alone without friends around. 

I've never seen anyone in my life, who actually satisfied their own time.

Where I grew up, people liked to gather with this reason and that reason. Sometimes they didn't have any reason to gather but just gathered and made it reason for...mostly gossiping.  

I was surprised myself how I could be ok with their gossip on me. 

I thought I would be scared of their eyes and their voices.

But I realized I had strong backup, my books. 

Books guided me a place to be.

Books told me how human being can do great things.

Books comforted me my lonesome. 

It was my best friend on the journey of my life. 

[to be continued..]

Mom's diary - 12.20. 2010

If anyone who asks me right now, "Do you love yourself?"

I will say, "NO!!! I hate myself! I wish someone could fix my problem NOW!!"

I just hate myself today. 

I hate when everything goes wrong. Not even! I hate when I don't know what I should do.

I tried not to vent on my writing whenever I got over loaded hatred. 

I just don't know what I am doing now.

I don't know what I am speaking now.

My English is terrible.

I tried to say something and I got lost and I speak Korean and you say, "What does it mean??" with frustration. 

I just don't know why I even bother to open my mouth to communicate.  

I took a nap and hoping you would join me. Especially you got a cold and you've been saying you don't feel good.

It turned out I took 2 hours of nap and you watched 'Strawberry shortcake' through whole time. 

This 3-year-old girl knows already how to operate Netflix system and start over again and again. 

When I woke up, I realized this wasn't what I expected. 

Ok, that didn't bother me. 

What made me crazy and hate myself was when I woke up, I didn't feel like doing anything.

I felt like S H I T!!!!

I took long nap and I was supposed to be refreshed. I was supposed to be a new person.

It turned out quite on the contrary. 

The first thing I did; I was screaming in my head, and I was yelling for SOS. 

' MOM!!! Mom...Mom... I need my mom."

Stupidly I believed if my mom's here, she would solve all the problems I had.

(Silly me.) 

One second later of self- pity complaining like a baby, I spilled the apple juice in your cup.

I couldn't even scold you because it wasn't your fault.

I was careless.

I was the one who made me crazy. 

I was the one who should be in timeout. 

While I was cleaning and mopping the kitchen floor, I had serious conversation within myself.

'You need to change your mind. You are destroying your day. You also destroy your daughter's day. She doesn't deserve your shitty attitude. After all, you're her mom.'

And I saw your face. You've been looking at me. 

'I'm sorry... Sometimes I don't know why I am like this.'

I really don't want to be a monster mom who can't control her stupid mood.

I don't know how to help myself but writing about. 

So here I am.

I'm writing my diary, regretting being a child-like mom.

I hope you understand one day, being a mom is the hardest thing I ever dreamed of.

I can't even act whatever I feel like so, because you're watching me all the time.

You observe me with your crystal clear eyes.

Your ears are always open toward me, sometimes I feel like you're recording whatever I say.  

How can I ignore you? I can't. 

You are my mirror and you reflect me even the ugliest face of all. 

My daughter,

this is from bottom of my heart. 

I don't like faking. 

I want you to read this when you are old enough to understand this.

As you know and as I know, I had a bad day.

But I still think of you and try to be a better person, for you. 

I love you.

My story - Christmas gift from Korea

I got a Christmas gift package from Korea yesterday.

My mom and brother sent us Korean books, beautifully designed dinning table runner and family slippers.

2 adult slippers with hello kitty on top for me and my husband, and 1 laser-shining Pororo slipper for my daughter, which sparkles every time she walks or bangs on something.  

My mom is really adorable person.

She's age of 52 but still she didn't lose her purity.  

Since I become a mom, I appreciate a lot more how great she is.

My mom..

I can write 10 different stories of her.

She is great cook, she is great entertainer.

She's an amazing painter on her face - it usually took 2 hours for her to finish full make-up, my dad used to take a nap while she was in her world of perfection. 

She's great athlete. Even at this point, she's going Gym every day. Her determination was something I grew up with. 

She's best driver. She used to drop me everywhere I needed to go, even in my early 20s.

There are so many stories of her and I'm willing to peel every layer of her life. 

My mom is as important as my daughter and myself. 

If my mom weren't there, I wouldn't be here right now. 

But what I wanted to emphasize of all was my pictures from 2002. 

Pictures that I took at Australia and New Zealand while I was an international exchange student.

There, I could see myself in early 20s. 

In 2002, there were many things happened in my life. 

I call it my turning point year. 

There was one sentence I kept for a long time was that " In a life, you get 3 chances."

I don't know why it struck me so much. 

My age 21 at that time, I didn't feel I had first chance yet. 

My life was driven by some kind of force that I didn't feel right until that point.

In 2002, I felt this was the moment that I could do something for myself.

I needed to learn how to find though.. and it wasn't easy to take this road.

I lost lots of friends and faith while choosing new path. 

I had indescribable doubt in entire of my life. 

It was big leap that I didn't know where I would land. 

'Is this right path?'

'If I fail???'

'They would laugh at me.. they would say," you see!! what did we tell you?" '

'What am I going to do...?'

And making a decision to go Australia and New Zealand was my first step.

[ to be continued ]  

Mom's diary - 12.17. 2010

We've been very busy last few weeks.

I really needed a pause of all, and I think you enjoyed spending your day at home.

We woke up late in the morning, didn't need to change our PJs, and had peaceful breakfast without rushing. 

I took time to check my e-mails and clicked this and that on internet.

I don't want to call it lazy day, it was more like "energy recharging" day.

For a short time, I had a short flashback to the past. 

Few years back, we didn't have any friends to have a play-date.

Or any relatives or families to visit us often. 

We were aliens to this country. 

You and I were isolated in our home from outside of world. 

You were the only person I could hold, I could touch and I cried with. 

Those years are passed but the scar in my heart still remained deeply.

Now, whenever I have plans with friends or places to go to meet new friends,

I appreciate every minute of it. 

Once you have experience of detached or deprived from something you didn't give any importance,

you will regret desperately why we didn't appreciate it. 

Family, friends, language, culture, country, freedom and Life.

We need to take our time to sit and think.

If we don't, we'll lose our chances to make it right.

We'll miss the opportunity to realize what's the purpose of all. 

We'll wake up one day and look at ourselves into a mirror,

and think, ' who is this?'

My daughter, 

I want you to remember this life is very short.

It's too short to wander. 

You can go out and discover new things, explore new world,

but remember! 

Your time is not coming back.

Always remember!

This moment is not coming back.

Everyday, every moment, every people you'll meet, they are gifts.

You are blessed and I hope you don't undervalue it.  

Appreciate every moments that are given to you. 

거꾸로 강을 거슬러 오르는 저 힘찬 연어들처럼 - 강산에 W/English Subtitle

흐르는 강물을 거꾸러 거슬러 오르는 연어들의       

도무지 알 수 없는 그들만의 신비한 이유처럼

그 언제서 부터인가 걸어 걸어 걸어오는 이 길

앞으로 얼마나 더 많이 가야만 하는지

The salmons, who swim against the flowing river...

Like their unknowable, mysterious reasons,

I walk down on this path that started so long ago.

How much longer must I walk on?

여러 갈림길 중 만약에 이 길이 내가 걸어가고 있는 

돌아서 갈 수 밖에 없는 꼬부라진 길일지라도

딱딱해지는 발바닥 걸어 걸어 걸어가다 보면

저 넓은 꽃밭에 누워서 난 쉴수 있겠지

Of all the different paths in front of me, even if the path I am to take

Is round-about and full of twists and turn,

soles of my feet will harden as I keep marching on,

And maybe I can lie down and rest on those flower fields once in a while

여러 갈래 길 중 만약에 이 길이 내가 걸어가고 있는

막막한 어둠으로 볓빛조차 없는 길일지라도

포기할 순 없는 거야 걸어 걸어 걸어가다 보면

뜨겁게 날 위해 부서진 햇살을 보겠지

Of all the different paths in front of me, even if the path I am to take

Is so dark that I can't even see the stars,

giving up is not an option. If I keep marching on,

I'll eventually get to see a ray of sunlight made just for me.

그래도 나에겐 너무나도 많은 축복이란 걸 알아

수없이 많은 걸어 가야할 내 앞길이 있지 않나

그래 다시 가다보면 걸어 걸어 걸어가다 보면

어느날 그 모든 일들을 감사해하겠지 

I know that, despite all that has happened, I am blessed.

After all, I have a path in front of me that I can walk on.

So If I keep going, If I keep marching on,

I should be thankful for everything that has happened to me.

보이지도 않는 끝 지친어깨 떨구고

한숨짓는 그대 두려워 말아요.

(거꾸로 강을 거슬러) (오르는)

(저 힘찬 연어들처럼)

걸어가다 보면 걸어가다 보면 걸어가다 보면 

Though you are tired, your shoulders droop, and you sigh, don't be afraid.

Like the salmons, who defiantly swim against the flowing river...

If you keep walking... If you keep walking... If you keep walking...

My story - People

I have the greatest teacher in my life, which is "Life" itself.

My life taught me so many things that I wouldn't imagine. 

It brought me so many surprises that I didn't appreciate for the moment but later on, made me realize how grateful I was.

It gave me hard time, truly hard ones that I still can't understand what on earth I deserved them. 

However, the more I'm willing to learn from it, I can understand why.

Life knew, I swear it knew that I loved people.

I can't live without people.

But for a long time, it took them away from me.

'Have you been all alone in the middle of nowhere? 

 Have you stood alone with newborn baby with no familiar faces around? 

 Have you felt how it was heartbreaking when you need someone desperately, no one's answering?'

You could literally beg for a person, any person's kind word.

Just like, "Oh, Sun Hee. How are you doing? It must be hard. I wish I could help you anything."

No..no.. they didn't need to say the last sentence.

I would be glad if they smiled at me. That would suffice.

Just a little smile, which would prove that I was a person who had full of feelings.

I wanted people see me as a person who had full of sadness that I needed to talk to so I could make them away.

No..no.. I didn't need people who could empathize me. I just wanted their smile.

A nice smile.. that was all I asked for.

But I couldn't find it anywhere. 

Partially because I was scared to go out, as a result I couldn't meet anybody.

I was scared to bring my baby into the insecure world. That was mother's instinct. 

This world isn't safe to raise a child.

I'm extremely sad to say this sentence, because it's true.

This world is full of angry people.

They are frustrated.

They want to fight.

They need to vent on everybody on everything.

They don't even know how much they are blinded.

They don't want to see as themselves.

They refuse to see their true face.

It's true that we need courage to reveal the truth. 

However, I'm still standing on truth. I have to.

I have to stand on true side of our human nature.

We-humans- are capable to be good.

We are born to be nice to each other, not to hurt.

It's in our gene, it's carved in our survival code.

In order to survive, we need to be kind.

We have to get together, share and smile.

We are capable of all these, because we are our ancestors' descendants. 

They survived the unbearable nature's condition,

by helping each other,

by gathering next to warm fire,

by telling stories which they'd heard from their mothers,

and these stories were passed down to next generations and generations. 

Stories made them stand strong.

Stories made them believe where the god is.

Stories told us why Prometheus had to suffer to protect humans.

If I were Prometheus, I would be so sad or mad by now,

by how ugly we are now.

But somehow I have feeling that he wouldn't be so disappointed.

Because he believed in us so strong that we can do great things.

I'd like to believe later one.

People, they are my love.

I love them as much I hate them.

I understand them as much I can't understand them.

They hurt me as much they love me back.

I guess that's who we are.

We are insecure, but guess what?

When we get together strongly, when we become friends not enemy,

then we'll be stronger than ever.