Monday, October 24, 2011
Maybe I'm really CRAZY.
"So.. do you work?"
"Umm.. no, I'm staying home mom."
And there comes an unsatisfied, yet shy to reveal her voice swirls around my tongue. I constantly look for the right timing to say this sentence; "I also write."
When I finally made the chance, my surprised opponent shows her fresh interest. And then she goes, "Oh, so are you a journalist?"
"Umm.. no, I'm not. I'm on the process of writing a memoir and hoping to publish a book in the future." There, I said it! I said it!! My words left from my mouth, and it's in the air. Should I gather them up and put them back in my heart? Well, it's too late anyway. No matter how others will take this, I know I don't want to fool around with it. I said it because I meant it.
Everybody knows by now that I'm not a native English speaker. They know I have different accents in my English, I have strange expression that it doesn't fit in English usage. Whenever my conversational partner is leaning toward me and approaching her/his ear close to me or raising her/his eyebrow, I know she/he didn't get what I just said.
I used to have a red face whenever I didn't succeed continuing conversations. I felt like stopping everything and go home and cry. It was already hard effort to speak and start a conversation, and then I ended up being blocked by their puzzled reaction, possibly it must be my wrong English.
(Wait a minute! Did I take it too serious? Then why did I take it too serious? Why didn't I just let it go? Why did I have to put so much pressure on my shoulder? Hmm.. I'm still figuring out. I know I will find the answer one day.)
I love talking to people. I love knowing about people; their interest, their personalities, and their visions and dreams. I just love sharing words with people. Sometimes it's hard to explain how I feel about having conversation with people. I feel excited, happy, joyful, content. As much they share their stories with me, I share mine. When they get interested in my story, I share some more. I share my experiences and my thoughts. I try to be subtle and neutral because there's no point of making others uncomfortable by expressing my intense ideas and feelings. Anyway, people have their own way of seeing the world, and it doesn't have to be same as mine. In the end, having diversity of ideas and thoughts will prosper this world. This is my bottom line in terms of having conversations and I believe this is the mutual respect; 'I respect you as much as you respect me.'
"Wow.. So, you are writing in English?"
"Yes. I am." I answer firmly but still hesitating how to add it up,
"I think being able to express ideas with two languages are great advantages for me. There are some expressions don't exist in English when I want to translate from Korean. Then I create my own and invent it. It's actually quite fun." I answer with smile and hoping that she understood how sincere I was.
On my way home, I replay the previous conversations. Couldn't I explain better? Or did I explain too much? It doesn't matter now. I already said it, and it's out there. Some might think I'm really crazy doing this, writing a book in English. But that's what I like to do. Maybe I am really crazy.