In Search of Self and Happiness
Sun Hee Yoon
"Hi, I'm Sun Hee. You can call me 'Sunny.' "
I speak with medium tone
of voice with smile. This is how I start the conversation whenever I
encounter new acquaintance. Introducing my original name would be the
little hint for others that I'm non-native English speaker. If anybody
notices my two syllable name is common for Koreans, I'm very glad. But
of course, I don't mind if anybody, who is not certain about my name or
curious about it, asks my origin or nationality. I prefer when people
asks questions, and verifies the truth with me rather than assuming from
my appearance or predicting from their personal background.
Less than a minute, I hesitate how I should continue going on the
conversations. No one likes the uncomfortable silence after introducing
each other. I try to render many sentences in my head, but the safest
and easiest questions seem to be a weather recognition. As long as I
stay in the boundaries of the mutual communication ground, I don't feel
so awkward.
However, I have a desire to be asked certain questions in order to
deepen the overall conversations. Among many others, my favorites are;
'How long have you been in Chicago?', 'How did you meet your husband?',
'What do you like to do when you have a free time?', and 'Is there any
meaning behind your name?'
With eight years of practicing my English in total immersing
situation, I've had enough experience to answer those questions without
hesitation. Finally I'm willing to share these stories with others.
* * *
It's been four years living in Chicago. I can't say it was an easy
road from the beginning, but now I can say I'm truly enjoy living in
Chicago. What a journey! What an agony! What a drama! What a
roller-coaster ride of life! If there's a God, s/he knows how I survived
during these four years. No matter how well trying to explain these
time, I still don't think it's illustrated enough.
In 2007, late September I arrived at O'hare airport with new-born
baby in my arm. My husband's recent job then was very promising and
considered a great opportunity for the long run. Previous four years of
living in Montreal, Canada was just about to settle, now my life seemed
to have other plans for me. Having delivered a new-born in Lasalle
Hospital in Montreal was just a month and half ago. Leaving family and
friends behind who were my primary support was torture. Not being able
to drive while my work-devoted husband's staying late in his office was
surely a life obstacle. All the stores, all the products, even language
that commonly people speak seemed real foreign, although I spoke English
good enough to communicate in general life. From A to Z, nothing
comforted me in this time. It's said once we experience the time of
difficulty, we finally get comfortable in ourselves. I guess that was
the reason why I suffered the ultimate isolation, depression and
desperation. It's always hard to imagine to put ourselves unless we went
through same situation, but I'm in a mission to describe what it was
like, being a mom in a foreign land without any comfort or support,
building something from nothing.
During my little one’s first year, I was like a hostage in my own
home. Not to mention that I'm much of outgoing person, very social, a
magnet to people, but no one was available. No one visited me, no one
reached out their hands. The only person that I could interact was my
fast growing child. She was the only human being that I shared my
feelings, my life at that moment. In a retrospect, maybe this extreme
isolation for a long period made me strong at the same time, made me
being able to be flexible regardless the situation.
It also came down to a confidence issue. First, I was afraid of
talking in English, because I didn't want to make mistakes in front of
others. Majoring English Literature in Chosun University in Korea was
not helpful when it came to the real conversation in the Jewel-Osco or
in the neighborhood playground. I had hard time to understand what the
grocery clerk was telling me, so instead of asking him to repeat the
questions, I just nodded and pretended to understand. I wanted to avoid
further embarrassment. With thousands of times practicing, trying,
promising myself not to get embarrassed even if the others don't
understand me, finally now I can go to any stores without worries.
Furthermore I have an abundance to make jokes with clerks.
The other part of overcoming lack of confidence was learning how to
drive. I don't know how many times I cursed myself not learning driving
earlier. I never knew not being able to drive was the greatest drawback
in Chicago life. Whenever I saw a mom who was entering in my daughter's
music class with a dangling car key in her finger, there was a loud
voice echoed in my head. 'I wish I could dangle my car key just like
her..', 'I wish I could take my daughter in a warm car, instead of
waiting for a bus in a cold weather and riding with crowds.'
I tolerated all the inconvenience without complaining, I hesitated
enough, but it was time to change. At the beginning of 2010, I decided
to take driving lessons. But, I needed to find the confidence in me
before driving in the city. I never had any experience in driving
what-so-ever, besides I never had any interest or desire to drive a car.
But it was time to act, I needed to brainwash myself with this simple
sentence, 'I can do it! I can do it!'
After five months of practicing driving a car with a compassionate
driving instructor from the driving school, I finally got the driver
license. The day I got the rectangle shape of plastic driver license
with my shy smile on was the best triumphal moment of my life. However,
life was never easy on me. Since our car was stick shift, I needed to
practice few more months to drive on my own. By mid-September 2010, I
was finally able to drive alone.
Now, the year of 2011, mid-November, I'm sitting on the driver seat,
shifting engine gears smoothly, taking my daughter to her preschool
comfortably. While she's in her school, I often do the errands such as
grocery shopping, picking up books from the local library, and if I
still have a time I go to the neighborhood cafe. I like to sit next to
the big window. I bring my homework from Memoir workshop or sometimes I
just take out my small purple notebook to scribble. Often I get teary
eyes because I'm writing my memories from the past mainly. Sometimes my
words can't describe all of my feelings so I choose certain phrases and
forms them into an impromptu verse. I drink alternately Mocha coffee and
Hot chocolate. These aroma and the heat warm me up to create a certain
mood to write. I often watch people walking by on the Roscoe street. I
often gaze long time to the fallen leaves and dried flowers. I look up
the sky and look for clearing spot between grey, dark clouds. Then, my
alarm says it's time to pick up my daughter. While waiting in the hall
way for my daughter comes out from her classroom, I often get to talk
with other parents. Luckily I already developed good relationship with
few moms and had joyful play dates with kids together. Building a new
social network is something I put into priority after learning a hard
lesson. But also I'm constantly reminding myself that the relationship
always changes so I shouldn't expect too much from others, just let it
be. There are things that we can't control, people are unpredictable,
situations are tricky but good friends will stay until the end; I
believe in this.
On my way home, driving my stick shift car in the city of Chicago,
listening to my 4-year-old daughter's preschool adventures are like my
dream come true. Whenever people talk about their dream, it's mostly
extravagant. But I've learned the real dream or paradise of his/her own
doesn't have to be far away. It's only a matter of finding it in a
mundane life.
