Saturday, April 23, 2011

Never ending test

  I've been living up to someone else's expectation most of my life. It is never ending test and it's exhausting. Once I believe I've reached certain point where I can finally relax and take a moment, the judges say otherwise.
   Well, well, well. Is this all you can do? Is this your best? 
I didn't know how to react when I was little whenever I faced harsh criticism. It wasn't fair for me since I didn't know what was good enough. I was told if I weren't number one, I was useless. All my childhood I try to meet their expectations and now I realize what the others do to me. Who are the others? Who do you think they are?
Parents? Relatives? School? Society? Perhaps all of them.

   I try to understand why I was the main target of all kinds of criticism since I was little. I'm merely trying to find a peace from the past, but I only find that is the hardest thing to do. I try to see all different angles of the facts, but the more I try to see positive sides, I only find the uncured wound deep in my heart.
   My fast beating heart proves all of these, I guess. I don't know when I would finally come to see a peace in me.

   I try to smile, I try to forget, I try to act as if nothing happened. I can conceal of everything and act perfect normal as if I have nothing to hide. I dress up with floral chiffon blouse, matching skinny jean along with few jewelry around my neck and ear robe. I sit, my legs crossed, holding a cup of coffee and gazing out of the window. I have dreamy eyes, I gaze further and further. I can't wait to see the end of my life.
   ( easily it came out from my head? Did I say I can't wait to see the end of my life? Really?)

   But that's true. I am obsessed about my next chapter. It's been a while I felt like my life itself is a book. In a book, there are lots of chapters. Everything has a beginning and ending.
   I'm a book, and I'm a writer. I see hundreds of pages that are waiting for me to finalize this book.

   The fact is I'm only 29 years old and I haven't lived much, yet I've got many stories to tell. At the beginning, I was scared to start. Precisely I didn't know where to start. How do I dare to write a story in English? I come from South Korea. English is school subject, not a communicational tool. It's been only few years that I've been speaking English as a regular basis. I went to OZ, Canada, merely to learn more English. I started to chat with my husband because I needed someone to practice English.
   Now, do I care what others would think of me? I try not to. I've suffered enough from others' judgement. The most ridiculous thing I have found is the people who harshly judged me and badgered me don't even know who they are. Their authoritative words and hypocritical attitude were just for covering their insecurity and immaturity. I'm not perfect and so are they.

   I strongly believe I'm in a mission of something. I haven't quite figured out yet. One second I grab the idea, but then next second, I'm lost. I don't know what was the strength to carry me, to bring me here.
   What do I believe in? What is the motive in my life? What is the main core?

   Long time ago, I've reached some kind of understanding, which was when I'm not sure what I really want, I try to delete one by one what I don't want. I'm certain that pure financial gain is not my purpose of life. I know hypocrisy isn't my purpose either. I don't believe in faking. I'd rather being alone than getting along with bunch of fakers. I'd rather meeting people who's looking for something they can't grab, can't see, can't touch. I guess those are much like metaphysical stuff. But I can't help. I believe in things that I can't see.
   Friendship, strong bond between family members, unbreakable trust between couples, life long tenderly mother's love for her children, yeah.. love.
   These are so common around us but I don't know why we don't talk more about it. Perhaps because it's been with us from the beginning, maybe its value has gone out of the window. Drama, breakup, failure, arguments, fight, violence, battles - these gets easier attention than tender, soft loving care.
   It's true destroying is easier than building. Building takes a lot of effort, help and time.

   I don't know. I just want to understand better. I want to smile from my heart, not to show others to convince them I'm happy. I just want to take a moment for myself once in a while. I want to breathe. I want to live my given life.

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