Wednesday, April 27, 2011

This is a crazy woman talking.

   I feel being captured in the suffocating bubble right now.
   I don't feel what I usually feel; the feeling of strong guts and audacity. 
   I can't feel any motivation in my heart. 
   I am wandering in my house without a purpose; just circling and cycling.

   Strangely, I found myself sitting in front of my small laptop. As if this was my destination. 
Before I start a first sentence, I stopped writing for a second. I had to remind myself - I'd better be cautious using Articles such as A or The in the sentences. And I laugh myself and say, "How many years did I study English Grammar in the school years? And still I don't get it right? What a waste of studying and time! This is why I'm not so proud of telling myself majored in English Language and Literature! Because I am not good at it."
   I have nothing to brag about, I've got no fancy family backgrounds, in fact, rather shabby and nasty. I've got  no strong connections with, so-called, powerful people, and I didn't graduate the prestigious schools. I really don't have anything to show off. 

   It was one day, I decided to see my miserable life differently. Since nobody would care what I think, I would do what I really want to do. I decided not to pay attention of other's jugmental harsh words and behaviors toward me.
   Well, you don't live my life, so why do you care? I'm not gonna blame you although I fail in this game, so just leave me alone. 

   I guess that was a drastic perspective changes for a 19-year-old girl who lived in South Korea, in a small city called Mok-po with lots of looking down eyes on her; from dozens of relatives, Dad's friends whom I also called "Uncle", Mom's friends whom I also called "Aunt", and these people told me what life I should live whenever they had a chance to sit with me. I was getting really annoyed by their empty words, I really doubted their worries and I still do.
   I need to take times to describe how I spent these years because it was breath choking experience. I really don't know how I managed to lay low of myself and planned higher jump. This is my story so I believe I should know, but why it's so scary to go back those time. I know it's better to forget the unpleasant memories for my sanity. On the other hand, I believe this may be the reason what I am born to be, to write what had happened in a world that most people don't know. 

   All of my choices after graduating high school came from my heart. Especially when I made up mind to go to Canada for 1 year. Some might say I was bold following a heart than a head. It is true- it was the scary period of my life. There were thousands of introspection inside of me. I had so many doubts that seemed to break my skull. I looked outside the window whenever I had a moment, either it was a thick dirty plastic window in a public bus or a size of handbag window over the toilet. I wished I could fly high. 

   Looking back, my habit of sitting close to the window and looking outside might started from here. Well, my second thought, I'm wrong. It started earlier than this period. The point of my story of the night is I need to write, and I want to write. But it's really hard to start.